Divorce Support Forums: Ladies, should I be mean afterwards?

Dont' try to talk her out of seeing a lawyer, because that tends to get people's suspicions up ... especially even if not her suspicions, her MOTHER's, and it seems she'll follow her motehr's advice. I had a friend whose stbx did that and the parents pointed her to the most expensive, nastiest lawyer in town, and his divorce has turned into world war three, with more than half their assets going to legal fees and the kids witnessing the mother (and mother's parents) assaulting the father. It's been nasty. And because HE had thought to save them money and suggest that they try to get a settlement themselves without lawyers, when the mother was all angry and pointing the wife to an expensive lawyer.

Bottom line with THAT friend (a neighbor)?... he's THRILLED to be getting the divorce, even though he's living on less, they lost the house, the kids only see him half the time... because he no longer has to support her while she sits home and whines about her migraines... he no longer has to worry that while she's bored at home, she'll be running off to have an affair with a co-worker (she supposedly DOES work, she just begs out of her shifts most fo the time, not telling HIM that she begged out of the shift, but rather playing hookey so she could go to the boyfriend's house).

I'm not kidding, for all They've lost, he's still young enough to recover before retirement, and so is she, if she's smart (which we all realize now that she is not, she was the classic trophy wife bimbo and the only reason she EVER looked like she knew what she was doing was that she would follow his lead on things and he'd cover for her & stuff... now that she's been on her own for almost a year, we're all astounded at the stuff she does, how stupid she is financially is one thing, but she's JUST as stupid socially, which most of the neighbors think is odd, becasue we always figured women to be more socially astute then men, in general, but this woman... GEE... she's alienated all the men, all the women, the teachers, the coaches.... pretty much everyone but her mom & dad, and even her Mom called her a nasty name when there was a pregnancy scare with the new boyfriend.)

I remember at the start of my own divorce, being mostly TERRIFIED that there was no way I'd be able to make ends meet on just my own salary, being upset at knowing that I'd have to sell the house (because I DID love it, it was my dream house with a pool and a lake and room for kids and the perfect little suburb with the best school district in the area)... I was sure that even WITHOUT lawyer's fees, I'd be ruined. And when I ended up leaving the marriage with less STUFF (savings, equity, car, etc., didin't add up to what I had owned before marriage)... I was SURE I'd made the biggest mistake of my life... in MARRYING him, not in DIVORCING him.

At some point, the decision to divorce brings the recognition that your tenuous hold on your finances will be worse for a while, and that's not good... but LATER comes the realization that EVEN after losing half of everything you own and EVEN if you have to keep paying part of your salary to support her for a while... EVEN with all that, you realize you're better off, you're in control of whatever of your own finances are left, you can choose to eat rice & beans if you prefer, or get a smaller car, or sell the house & move into an apartment. You can CHOOSE whether to put extra $$ towards the mortgage or shuffle it off into an IRA or start a college fund for the kids (this principle doesn't just hold for YOU, but it's kind of universal... I know YOU don't have kids)... It's your choice what you do, and when you get to the place where you KNOW what's goign to be left after the dust settles, it's comforting, even if less, to know what you've got to work with and to know it's all YOURS to work with!

You'll be fine. It's a good thing she showed her true colors before you let this go on for ANOTHER 10 years, 20 or more... and truly, did you envision living like this, in a stale smoke, caretaker role for another 20 or 30 years?

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