Divorce Support Forums: Discipline or Abuse

My boys (16 and 13) had a situation at their dad's house this weekend. They decided, along with 15 year old step brother, that they would sneak out of their basement bedroom in the middle of the night. Well, dad somehow caught them and was waiting for them when they snuck back in around 2am. The step brother happened to be the first one in and as he was going to turn on the light, dad grabbed him, threw him down on the couch and proceeded to hit him in the face a few times(6 according to the kids). As this was happening, my 13 year old came in. Dad did not hit him, but he threw him "across the room" and was "choking" him by wrapping his arm around his neck. My 13 year old says he was not physically hurt by this, and he does not have any marks on him, but says he will never look at his father the same again. My 16 year old heard the step brother screaming and dad yelling and hitting step brother, so he ran away (he has never done anything like this before). As he was running, he received a text message from my 13 year old that said something like "don't come back-get help. you are going to get your butt kicked". To make a long story not so long, I ended up picking up my 16 year old from the school near his dad's house around 430 am. He had sat outside in the 20 degree temps for over two hours because he was too afraid to go back to his dad's house. I brought him back to dad's the next day and he had a really hard time getting out of the car-again fearing he was going to be hit.

All three boys (remember only two are mine) are grounded-16 year old-6 weeks, 13 year old-3 weeks and step brother 2 weeks. (Being grounded consists of sitting at the kitchen table-nothing else.)

This clearly sounds and feels like abuse to me, however I am one of those parents that does not even believe in spanking. My ex says he is trying to "instill fear in them so they will be good kids". He thinks this is the only way they are going to learn to be respectful and to follow the rules. He even told the oldest that step brother "took the beating" for him. I know, without a doubt, if my son had gone back in the house he would have gotten his "butt kicked"

All three boys are scared to death now. You can hear it in their voices-this has changed them.

This isn't the first time dad has been physical with our kids. When my oldest was six (we were divorced at this point), dad hit him in the face and butt so hard he left bruises. Quite a few months ago dad held my oldest up against the wall and hit his head so hard on the wall he left a big dent (hidden by a picture now). He threatens often, in fact just a few days ago he threatened to take the 16 year old outside to fight him because he was talking disrespectfully to step mom. Up until just a few years ago, the most common form of punishment was getting spanked with a kitchen spatula or ping pong paddle. (One year they (ex and his wife) bought me a ping pong paddle for my birthday, in hopes that I would start spanking them too-sick people!)

My question is-Could this really be considered discipline, like my ex says, or is it abuse? Is this situation worthy of a call to the authorities?

Thanks for your thoughts.

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