Divorce Support Forums: Overheard conversation

The basic dishonesty which she used to get you down the aisle got compounded when she led you on for SEVEN years, pretending to try to get pregnant. Her double-dealing with the kids and undermining you as a male head-of-household with them is also troubling, but maybe if you'd know that you were never going to have kids with her, you'd have been dealing with her kids differently. Her dishonesty and going behind your back to take out a loan for a car you specifically said not to is another black mark.

And finally, she allowed her dishonesty with YOU about her ability to have kids get in the way of her relationship with her own kids. It's highly likely that her adult daughter knew about or found out about her tubes being tied... oh, the innocent way that such lies are found out... like she overheard you and her Mom talking about trying to ahve a baby, asked her Dad why he & she never did, and he said, "well we didn't want one so Mom had her tubes tied". A totally innocent conversation but probably giving out more private information that Mom wanted daugher to have, and TOTALLY without knowing that Mom was deceiving new husband. Mom was probably LIVID that the kid had found out, or if she already knew the kid knew, the kid probably confronted her about lying to you all this time. Either way, her deception is a habit... a seriously ingrained habit, and you only found out about it by accident. It would have probably gone on for another 7 years ... she may have taken the information to her grave, despite the friction it caused between ehr daughter & herself, despite the disapointment it caused to you... if she hadn't been caught.

Wow. Could counselling fix something like this? A relationship entered into with dishonesty from the start? I dont' know. When my ex (more than 15 years ex at thsi point, I'm totally indifferent about him right now)... when HE told me that he had not respected something that was very important to me, and hid this lack of respect from me because he believed I'd not marry him if I didn't think he respected my beliefs... And he disclosed that he had spent our entire marriage hoping that I'd change my mind and trying to force me to change, and that he had never had an open mind about this thing as he had initially promised. (it was an issue of faith, not kids, but it hits as close to the heart as possible)... well, when I realized that he'd lied to get me down teh aisle and that I'd ahve never gone there if he hadn't lied... well, I knew it was time to realize that this person I thought I had married never existed. Some fundamental part of him was not there. He lied and pretended that it was. This person I thought I knew, simply didn't exist. It was as though he died.

Now, that said, if you are finished with the possibility of ever being able to have kids. If you've decided you're too old and have given up, you need to decide whether you can stay with someone who lied to you and caused you to give up this part of you... You may be able to get over that.

If, on the other hand, like me, you are still hoping to have kids, if you've not given up that hope. Well, you need to know it won't happen with her and so you need to move on before it's too late.

The otehr stuff, the going behind yoru back on stuff, the undermining you with the stepkids... if you decided to stay, you'd have to live with some of that, try to fix some of it, but you'd probably never be able to trust her with money again completely. But it could be done.

To me, a lie about an issue that fundamental, the continued lie, the disrespect... I'd be gone in a minute! But only you know how importatn this stuff is to you, so maybe your answer will be different.

No matter what, if you stay, you NEED to get counseling with her. WITH her. You need it, she needs it. It won't work, it's just postponing the inevitable, unless you BOTH get it!

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