Divorce Support Forums: My First Post. I'm Stressed And Could Use Guidance

Hello Everyone-

I'm Doug and live in Illinois. I'll cut to the chase, because I'm thinking I may file for divorce this week. I have been married only 2 1/2 years and have a 16 month old son. My wife had an affair last October with someone that used to work for her. She is in management for a national company. They still work together. This all happened before our son took his first steps. My wife claimed all the cliches about "I've evolved" and "I just wish I loved you like you love me". "You're still a great dad" etc. She also blamed me for supposedly blowing off a counseling request, but I had no clue she was in a state of mind to even consider doing what she did. Yeah, we were bickering, but more like high school kids about dishes and dumb stuff. I think she was simply rationalizing her actions to make herself feel less guilty. Anyway, this was a HUGE stress on me, but we managed to get through it late last year. We attended a few couseling sessions together like she originally wanted, but then it was her decision to stop going. She went a few times on her own as well, but that didn't last long.

She ended up having a subsequent break down months later this past January. She had wanted a divorce again, as I thought things were going well. She admitted her lack of happiness and had become a closet cryer everywhere but in front of me. Then, as fast as she told me she wanted out I told her, "fine, it's back to business and I plan on fighting for primary custody". She then told me she needed help and not to believe anything she said. She was just depressed and asked me to stick with her. I did. A day or two later she had a major panic attack and ended up getting rushed to the hospital. Back on meds.

Things had improved, but out of left field last Friday, she asked if I cared she had "a few drinks" after work. This turned into a 2 AM arrival and she ignored my attempts to contact her. I have been documenting some of her erratic behavior, by the way. She knows it. Two weeks ago she was out of town on business for a week. Last week she had a work emergency and was entrenched in that all week. Then she spent her Friday (usually a family night) getting hammered with the crew at work. She is a very respected manager on the fast track, remarkably. I know much of this may not sound like I have a case for primary custody, so analyze the facts for me. I had a lawyer give me the "well, the court tends to side with the mother..." BUT....after I was done telling him the following he told me I may have a case. (but that was 6 months ago...can I still use the same info, or did I let her slide that the cheating has zero bearing on custody?)

1. My wife went back to work a few weeks early from maternity leave last year. Within a week, she left for a week on business while I took care of my son who ended up with RSV (A nasty respiratory virus) She has been on 7 different business trips since he was born, and I've been running the show solo for about a month and a half of my son's life.

2. For my son's first year, I both dropped him off and picked him up for daycare about 90% of the time. Most of those days I also dressed him and fed him dinner after picking him up. I was seen by many many people as the primary parent already. Not just my supportive family. Babysitters and others noticed her lack of support and/or interest in being a mom.

3. I am a home body. My wife knows it. Her idea of picking up slack when she's not out with friends is to take my son to my in-laws and let them watch him while she goes out again.

4. Her own father has told me he would do the same thing when it comes to me saying I will fight for custody if we end up in divorce court. They have been disgusted with her choices.

5. My wife actually did stay with the guy she had an affair with before I knew what the deal was. She left me to take care of my son.

6. Many many people have seen my wife become withdrawn and show less interest in many things including our son. Unfortunately, she has it in her head that she is a wonderful mother. Don't get me wrong...she loves him dearly, but her actions have not shown she is a responsible parent. Many of us are on meds, but there has been a pattern of a less than stellar thought process on her behalf. She's impulsive.

My ultimate question is: how can I lose primary custody of my son when (even forgetting the infidelity if it doesn't matter) there is no disputing my son has been with me much more than my wife. I've fed him way more. I've driven him to and from daycare most of the time. I've changed more diapers. Etc. Etc.

Please help me and let me know if I'm going to begin a feeble effort and blow a bunch of money. If I go through with this I had intended at ultimately having some of her counterparts at work deposed, including the guy she slept with several times. She is a superior taking advantage of an employee under her supervision. I don't want to shelter her from my son in the least, but I WANT MY NAME ON THE TOP of that piece of paper. She can ask me to see him and let me make some mature decisions for once.

Thanks so much for your advice. If you need more details that I didn't list, let me know. Most of it, I'm realistic, will not matter...but at least you know the background.

Doug

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