Divorce Support Forums: date or hang out?

Send her here. We'll ape-slap her on the "no contact rule" issues. As a potential date, you're not credible when advising her about how to handle her divorce & moving on. When I met my husband he was in the midst of a divorce, a difficult one. I stayed out of it on the issues of letting him figure out how to separate from her (though it was pretty clear the emotional separation had occurred years before). I stayed WAAAAY out of it, not wanting to have anything to do with a possible reconciliation ever not taking place (though it was obvious that there were no thoughts towards reconciliation on his part, I forced myself to think in those terms because I never wanted to be motivation for a divorce goign to the final step, for sure). I asked him OFTEN if he didn't want to get back with her, suggested that maybe he needed to stop & re-think... but what was going on was that he'd already talked that part through thoroughly and worked it out with a therapist. They'd tried counseling during the marriage and he'd gone to individual counseling afterwards which cemented for him that this was the right decision, and there was nothing I could do that would turn him around & send him back to her household.

I knew that if I had talked to him about anything resembling a "no contact" rule, it would have been wrong. He needed to come to that conclusion with zero input from a woman he found attractive. He was on his own to figure that part out... with the help of his counselor.

Your friend may need some support, on these types of things... NOT from you, though.

I was in an in person support group right after my divorce, and facilitated it for a few years after I got through it. One of the guys going through the group brought his girlfriend into the group. He was worried that it would be awkward, but we were the only group around so there was nothing he could do. She clearly needed the help but he would not be credible to give it. He brought her, introduced her to us, and stayed out of the conversation whenever issues relating to her own ex were discussed. She listened but stayed out of it when his ex was discussed. The format of the group allowed that because we'd have a topic ... like the bargaining phase of grief, for example... and each of us would take a separate turn having our own take on that topic as a point of discussion... when it was her turn, he'd stay out... when it was his turn, she'd stay out... when it was my turn... they'd both jump in. It worked well.

We policed them if they considered commenting about each other's situations. For issues concerning each other in that early stage, they had their individual counselors if they wanted... though there really wasn't much of that. At first they weren't really dating... they were just... well, he really liked her and was sad for what she was going through and so he was just trying to help and he knew he couldn't, so that's why he brought her to us.

We watched as their mutual attraction blossomed into love, and as the group continued, we helped her figure out how to handle his 5 kids and his ex and his job that took him out of the country for a month at a time from time to time. She handled it a WHOLE LOT better than his first wife, as time went on... and they're married now. For about 12 years I think. Kids are all grown, they're looking forward to retirement. It's all great!

I suggest you COULD do the same if you wanted. Introduce her to us, keep it all above board that we all know that you & she are friends, don't talk about the dating thing so much, or at least understnad when you're talking about it that she may be looking in (hell, she might be looking in now anyways and you just don't realize it... isn't THAT disconcerting?)

And let us ape-slap her for you over all the contact she keeps having.

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