Divorce Support Forums: Set up a date for Wednesday night

I keep saying that a person's track record says a lot about them. Pregnant at 20 is a toughie, because we all deserve to be allowed to learn to change. But how do you learn a different "way" if you're married with a baby before you're old enough to toast the wedding?

Fergie, there are SO many fish in the sea, you might find that it's not something about her looking like your mother (really 6 years older or younger is not a huge issue in your 40s as it was in your 20s... I mean, maybe the favorite dance when she was in high school was slightly differnet than when you were, but 20 years later it's not that big a difference... I mean, do you really know the difference between your 20th high school reunion and your 25th? Does it MATTER?

But a SMOKER who is 6 years older than your stbx will LOOK like FIFTEEN years older, and that IS a difference. Heck, if you don't smoke, a smoker near your age will look older than you. Their skin loses it's color and the collagen in it disappears, so it is thinner and gets crepy before it's time. It also takes on a faded pallor of someone older than themselves. No amount of spa treatments and lotions to restore collagen and tone and pigment will really resolve it. It's a problem from the inside out and so of COURSE it felt like you were with a person who is a whole lot older than your ex.

When you meet a girl who does not have habits that conflict with yours, whose life does not show a pattern of wrong decisions and inability to pull her own weight by herself (her own kid is an adult now, so at this point the woman should be out of her "foster" parent's house and in an apartment on her own even if she returns to in-laws for dinner every sunday, you know?)... when you meet this adult woman whose habits do not conflict with yours, you'll be surprised at how age does not matter. You'll be surprised at how much even looking like your MOTHER does not matter.

What you need to look for is someone who maintains themselves in a way you respect and admire... if that means a careful application of makeup then fine... or if it means the look of a lady who spends lots of time at a spa... or if it means a person who works out once a week just to keep muscle tone then great... or if it means a person who skips time with friends so she can spend more time at the gym or training for a marathon, then THAT is what you need. But if you are a fit non-smoking college grad who pulls his own weight in life... then a smoker who dropped out of school to have a baby early in life and now can't afford her own place so she lives with her former in-laws... that's not right for you.

She's right for someone, but not you. She's right for a hard working guy who wants a sweet, stable girl who has had some trouble in life and values nascar and relationships more than she values work and making ends meet. She has not trashed her ex and even his parents still love her enough to take her in when she needs the extra help. She's probably a great housekeeper and is lots of fun at the tailgate parties before a NASCAR event (do they HAVE tailgate parties for those?) But she's NOT right for YOU.

Your girl is out there, just ... well... the great thing about dating in our adulthood is that we get to see their track records and it's a lot easier to tell if they meet our qualifications. WHoever it was who said the conversation would be over once he found out that she's a smoking Nascar lover has learned the trick... and whoever said she would be his perfect woman has also learned this trick. You need to learn it Fergie. Look at someone's history, their habits, and recognize that it's going to be a GREAT indicator of whether or not you're a good match for longer than a cup of coffee.

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