Divorce Support Forums: When is it no longer poor taste?

As a "Cheatmate", I felt the need to say something. I've watched many such posts come and go on this site and have been amazed at the amount of personal axe grinding that occurs. This poster asks a legitimate question. When DOES it stop, and where?

What if the bio-father is a deadbeat Dad? What if he has used their common child to consistently beat the Mother over the head with in the divorce process? What if the "Step" is a good provider that has formed a very special bond with the child in question? I guess what I am really asking is that at what point does bio-dad take on some responsibility for his OWN behavior?

OK, I "cheated on my wife, and with my mate, on her husband the bio-dad. That's a given. I can't say I am openly very proud of my actions. But is that going to be the defining moment of the rest of my life? Do we still wear Scarlet Letters?

I remember standing in a church and taking a LOT of vows, one of which was to never forsake that commitment to the other in a physical sense. I broke that vow. However, there were a lot of other words said that day. Words like respect, love, honor & cherish. Having lived through my marriage MYSELF (which is something the rest of you can't say), my ex regularly disregarded many of those words in spite of my best efforts to be an equal partner.

My point here is that there are always 2 sides to every story. When using words like cheat-mate and cheater, you unnecessarly define the "Step" as nothing but that. I am a past leader of 2 different fraternal organizations, top salesman in my company, a good provider for my step-family, etc. The bio-dad in my case is none of those things.

Why shouldn't I be interested in the well-being of a child that looks to me with love and respect? I have said to her from the very beginning that I am NOT her father. I'm not looking to be her father. I'm looking to care for and love her as the man that loves her mother enough to marry her.

I go back to my original question, when and where does this stop. Do I not attend dance recitals and plays? How about graduation? Her wedding as a young woman? When is it incumbant on the bio-dad to reign in his OWN emotions and ego?

In labeling me, or anyone like me with the cutesy term "cheat-mate", you are also letting the bio-dad off the hook for his own actions, thus permitting him to do literally anything. In my case, bio-dad regularly uses his daughter as a cudgel to punish and manipulate Mom. When does that stop, and more importantly why shouldn't it?

I don't know what the particulars of Faith's situation is, but I say if the "step" is willing and able to support her daughter in whatever endeavor, then more power to him.

I'm almost 50 years old and in the last year, friends and family alike have defined my 50 years of existance in one word - Cheater. Frankly, I'm tired of it. It's ludicrous to define a persons life by any one single act.

No person should have to live the rest of their life with the concern of "what will bio-dad think of this if I do that". I'm not saying that a step should be unconcerned with the ripple effect of his/her actions. However, there are a lot of GOOD people out there that are in this situation that are truly trying to do the best for their new or future spouses, and through them, their children.

And to deny their existence and participation in the child's life is to sell the CHILD short!! The children shouldn't be punished for the actions of the parents, and if anyone thinks they should be, then God help those children.

Post Extras