Divorce Support Forums: new here...long....need advice and encouragement

I'm new here and am looking for some kind words. (sorry for some typos...its 2am here) I've been married to my husband for almost 12 years. We got married young, when I was 21, he was 22, right out of college. No kids. 2 dogs we both LOVE. We are both in our early 30s.

Honestly, we should have never gotten married. I almost left during the first year. I want to say we don't love each other anymore, but I'm not sure that is true.

However, we don't enjoy being around each other. We can tolerate each other for maybe a couple hours before annoying the he11 out of each other. Forget about sex. I have no desire and I think he has given up asking for it. It kinda started with a medical condition that I have that makes sex painful (vulvodynia), but I can say that I don't want to be be kissed, etc. Just not interested. So basically, we work a lot and try not to be around each other.

I know that I'm more independent than most men seem to want (I don't want to be the cook, the maid and work all the time to). I work hard and we both make 70k. I would rather pay for a housecleaner, someone to cut the yard and get takeout. We both work 12 hour days.

I'm not sure what to do. Its kinda intimidating to think I will be alone. My husband is a good person, maybe I am just not cut out for marriage. I can't imagine getting married again, but life could be pretty lonely. Does anyone else feel that way. It does make me teary eyed to think about getting a divorce.

Then there is the logistics. I can honestly say the reason we have always fought is money, (and that he is addicted to pron - I dont even care about that anymore, except when he spends his spending money on it and "needs" more $$$. One year he spent 2200 on it). He is not responsible, for example he cant have an atm, debit card or checkbook because he overdraws the account. I have to transfer "allowance" every week to his prepaid debit card that doesnt access the checking account. He "gets" 100 a week and that never seems to be enough. We had to declare bankruptcy last year.

Now all the debt left is our 1,2 and 3rd mortgatge and student loans (mine 100k, his 13k). I stupidly co signed a sba loan for a business that he ran into the ground. so we still owe 40k on it, 25k on heloc for credit cards we paid off and the 1sr mortgage of 189. 3 years ago we could have sold for 275k, now we will be lucky to get 225. We didn't reaffirm these loans so we could walk away. I am trying to get the house rented to cover the mortgage and wait the market out, but so far no interest.

However, I have 100k of student loan debt. I can not pay that without some of his income and stil afford an apt, car, etc. Do you think I stand any chance of getting that debt split (70k was incurred after we were married)?

I live in KS. I want to try to negotiate something with him as I don't want to split my 401k (50k) and need some help with the student loan bill. He cashed his 401k in to start his business. I know he wants a divorce too...saw him figuring up a budget for an apt. We have 2 dogs, littermates, that would have a hard time being apart from each other. If we can't work something out, what do the courts usually do? We both will want the dogs. I want to keep things civil as we work for the same company and both like our jobs. Luckily, we work in different buildings.

Any advice?

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