Divorce Support Forums: Am I being fair here?

Well, went on second lunch "date" with my former high school friend. It was pretty much like the first. We talked alot, she about her past and me about mine, etc.

I tried to be completely honest and open without babbling on and on about my stbx and crap. It's obvious that she's farther along the road than I am...where I had difficulty at some points pinning down how I felt about a particular issue, she knew immediately, etc.

Overall, it was a good time.

Then I got home. ALL I could think about were the dates that the stbx and I had when WE first met....some of them were simply us meeting up and going for a walk, talking and just enjoying being around each other. I guess I still feel like our marriage was a little too "fairy-tale perfect"....two kids new at college meeting each other by chance, becoming friends who just enjoy each other's company, then realizing we had actual feelings for each other at practically the same moment....the first kiss that we both later admitted told us both "we were meant to be together forever"...etc.

I feel like all this shit is unfair to my HS friend. She's SUCH a sweet girl, and its obvious she tries to make me feel as though she is there for me, but when I get home, all I can think about is the past and how things SHOULD HAVE been. I'm trying very, VERY hard to see how things CAN BE instead of how things were, but at the same time, I dont want to lead this girl on or deceive her in any way.

I guess I'm just worried about hurting her feelings, maybe too much so? I've told her I try to keep myself busy because when my mind starts to wander, it automatically goes into "I wonder what my stbx is doing right now" mode or I start thinking about our past, crap like that. She says she understands and that she knows it takes a long time for that to go away.

I guess the relationship I had with the stbx kind of WAS a fairy-tale beginning....and I just miss that feeling so much of being able to look back and see how special we were together. I just want to be able to stop looking BACKWARDS and start looking forward again.

I really dont picture myself in any kind of serious relationship with my friend from high school, and I guess I should probably make that clear...but I really DO enjoy her being around. We talk about the distant past (before I met the stbx) when the two of us knew each other, etc. I just think I'm too active of a person for her honestly. I'm into hurling myself and my Kona mountain bike off the side of hills at 35mph, competitive handgun shooting, TaeKwonDo, etc. She's much more calm and sedate...into reading and such.

My idea of a perfect day is a crisp fall day in the woods carrying my favorite shotgun or rifle, looking at the leaves turning colors, watching the diversity of mother nature played out infront of me...the beauty of a sculpted piece of claro walnut and steel in my hands, watching the first rays of the sun scatter on the water and the ground.

Her idea of a perfect day is a cold winter morning curled up in her favorite chair under a soft blanket with a cup of hot tea and a good book.

I like Copenhagen, she likes the Clinique counter at Dillards.

I'm just kind of at a loss...it is obvious to me that I like being around her....after being very much lonely for the better part of a YEAR now. Hell, I honestly think I'd like being around pretty much anyone though. I truthfully HAVE been pretty much alone since my stbx left....and I'm just tired of feeling lonely and rejected....

I just dont want to do the same thing to this person...leave her feeling lonely and rejected in the end if things don't turn out the way she has them planned...and yeah, we all formulate plans in our minds, little scenarios of how we hope things will happen that we play in our heads. I'm just very cautious about hurting people after what I've done to my stbx. I made a promise to myself that I would never do anything like that again to anyone...and certainly do not want to hurt someone as caring as my old friend.

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NO FATE

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