Divorce Support Forums: I know youve heard it before, but help me out here

[quote]thanks all! I really apprciate the postings. ...cut for length only...

Seriously, I want to be able to present that concept to her in a digestable manner, analogy, whatever. I don't want to put her on the defense. I just want to soften her up on this. I apperciate any and all insight to this. I'm not banking my case on it but i do think it will make a difference.[/quote]

Hi, this is my first post, I never realized I was getting a divorce till yesterday. I was motivated to register and post because of your post. You sound EXACTLY like you are my husband (except he's not getting "kicked out" and we've only been married 17 years).

I'm adult enough to know there are three sides to every story, so I won't argue your wife's side, it's none of my biz. But I can advise you, after more than a year of personal experience, if your spouse is being unreasonable in his/her demands or expectations, NO illustration or analogy is going to work.

I COMPLETELY understand your desire to make her understand, to see your side, and to come up with some kind of words to get it through to her. I've spent sleepless nights, hours of therapy, pages of journaling, tons of text messages and emails, and hours of fruitless "discussions" trying to come up with some kind of analogy, illustration or brilliant verbiage trying get my husband to understand my points. (Mine is not about money, more about why/how we should work on reconciliation, but whatever). I know - it just seems like this person who used to be reasonable and rational must be in there somewhere and just needs to be nudged awake and made to SEE.

If your wife is like my husband, there is no more reason or rationale. She is not going to be receptive to ANYTHING, even the most incisive brilliant analogy will fall on deaf ears.

I hear you say it's all her fault, but even so, ending a marriage is really painful for everyone involved. Anger/resentment/pain/wounded pride/fear/mistrust make a person hard and "close off." I've finally admitted to myself, I can't "soften" him up. My advice is, if your wife is like that, don't torture yourself trying to find the right turn of phrase to make her see that her demands are unfair.

Look out for your rights, take care of your health. This process is soul-killing and unavoidably unfair. You need to survive. Although your kids are nearly grown, they will always need you.

Edited by akika (05/25/08 05:37 PM)

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