Divorce Support Forums: Is this my fault?

I will have been married 5 years next month, and my husband and I have 3 small children. We both entered our marriage with lots of baggage. Mine was that I yelled, and his was that he said mean, horrible (and abusive) things whenever he felt the need. I was so young and so naive that I just put up with his cruelty, and worse, I brought children into the situation. Eventually, I began to say horrible things to him as well.

Almost 2 years ago, there was a physical incident at our house and I called the police. (It was pretty mutual. I'm not the type to be pushed around). Somehow, that seemed to do something to my husband, and he began to change.

The problem is that I have had a very difficult time forgetting and forgiving the past. I'm so terrified that as soon as I allow myself to believe that things are getting better, he'll go back to being the way he used to be. I can't bring myself to let it go.

Recently, he's decided that all of our problems stem from my anger. Suddenly, everything that happens is my fault. It seems to be quite a convenient way out of taking responsibility for him, and I can't help but wonder where the hell he gets off placing the blame on me after all that he has done. He may not be as bad as he once was, but he is far from perfect. He still says abusive and cruel things to me, just less often.

Yesterday, he through a fit because his Father’s Day didn’t go as planned. We fought and said awful things to one another. Then, he, of course told me that everything was my fault and that my own family (of origin) didn’t like me. Something in me snapped, and I told him to move out. Now he totally denies saying what he said. And it wasn’t the first time he tried to hurt me by using my own family.

I don’t want things to be this way, but I also can’t allow my self-esteem to be trampled on any longer. And that is exactly what will happen if he comes back home expecting to blame everything on me and my anger. I’ve said as much, but he continues to skirt the issue over and over again. He said he wanted to go to therapy, but I can’t handle the thought of him putting on his good face for some therapist that might not see through it. It makes me ill.

I’ve also already told my children that their daddy won’t be sleeping here anymore. Going back and forth on that would really screw with them. So would being in a house where their parents were always fighting. I know that personally . . .

Sorry that this post is so incredibly long. I’m not at all sure what I want. Someone who understands maybe?

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