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Good advice so far. The book mentioned by Samsmom comes recommended.
And I know how you feel. "I'd trade all of my tomorrows for just one single yesterday!"
I remember thinking for months/years that I'd be better off without this woman. But, when she said she wanted to end it, then if felt like I was going to die on the spot. It was unbearable! When things got better I'd beat myself up thinking - why didn't I get out of this when I had the chance?
Lonliness - or Why won't that phone ring?
As a widowed friend of mine says: Lonliness is all it's cracked up to be.
She helped me last November when my s2bx went away for a month. I was ALL alone and the walls were not kind. It wasn't so much, "what am I going to do today," but "what am I going to do for the next 30 seconds."
I realized that the phone works both ways and that there are people out there that would LOVE to get a call from me. Many of them are lonely, too. Yes, it's awkward and uncomfortable at first, but reach out. It's a brave first step.
Here's a hug from me {{{Hug}}} See if you can get a real hug from someone.