Divorce Support Forums: can't get alone

I hate weekends. I keep stressing the need to me to be alone for a while but nobody listens. Yesterday morning i could take being in the house a second longer, so i went off for a drive to nowhere. when I pulled back into the drive my mom and her friend were there cleaning out my gutters and house. Now I know this stuff needs to be done, but at that moment i just really needed some dead silence. I get very little of that.

It's weird actually. I feel like i need total isolation but one I am alone (and even surrounded by people) I am overwhelmed by a sense of utter loneliness. It's practically debilitating. I miss my wife so much sometimes i think i'd be better off dead. There is one person in my life i could conceive of getting closer to but due to circumstances she has stated that no matter what our feelings are, she would never engage in a relationship, and has since aggressively pursued a mutual friend.

It's just awful seeing everyone happy and with someone. it's even worse when they leave and my wife isn't there and I am completely alone. I hate that more than anything. Out of everyone involved in this mess, I am probably the only one without any guilt on my hands, and yet I am the one who is left alone, holding the bag, so to speak.

I am slipping further and further into the hole. I feel it getting worse every day. I feel as if there is only one way, down.

I want my wife back before this mess. I want our life back. I want our hopes and dreams back. I want my reason for living and getting up in the morning back, and I'll never have any of that. Yeah, i've been told that i'll find something new. but i don't want an accommodation. I don't want an adjustment. I don't want a new focus and direction in my life. I don't want to be a different person. I didn't spend 7 years dating to make sure i only did this once, and 12 years married to hit age 40 alone and utterly destroyed. it's terrible to know your life is over at 40 and your heart has a few decades left before it has the good sense to stop beating.

Even through her mood swings and depression I still love me wife. I always will. She was my motivation. My inspiration. I have lost my reason and will to live.

/OK rant over.

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