Divorce Support Forums: can't get alone

"B -- You've yet to reach the stage of acceptance. You're still fighting with reality."

Intellectually I know you're right. I've been playing a little mental game with myself by establishing a list of critera of terms under which i would let her back. This list is long and getting longer every day. it helps to convince me I am doing the right thing. However, it is also an incredibly depressing list because it has helped to quantify the inevitability of my situation as well.

The dealbreaker is of course, her pregnancy. I could never have that sort of constant reminder in my life for ever, and it would be inhuman for me to ask her to part with it, as I'm sure that would be a constant source of resentment on her part. so the situation is unrecoverable, and that is what i find most morbidly depressing. I would have endured most any other indignity and humiliation. I would have sacrificed my family, my friends, my entire support mechanism, if it would have got her back into the home. I would have forgiven any indiscretion, and given 110% of myself to repairing the past few years of damage, but she went and did the one thing that i cannot live with, and i have no explanation why. I feel as if i must be a monster in her eyes and i just don't understand it.

I don't do acceptance well. I have built my entire career and life's philosophy on never accepting anything. You always have the power to shape your situation, and now i find myself in a situation I am powerless to change. I feel helpless.

No matter what direction I turn, no matter where I go; forward, backward, or sideways for that matter, I still come to the same end result: alone, without my wife, whom i love more than my own life, and without anyone else who is special in my life to give me some hope to look forward to.

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