Divorce Support Forums: Wife ran off with another man, left me and kids

My wife has been unhappy for ever. I guess since childhood. I met her 19 yrs ago, she is 19 yrs younger then me. She was in her words in a very unhappy, abusive marriage at the time, now I wonder. She left her husband and moved in with me. I fell in love instantly, I had been divorced for 10 yrs and had my own place, a fair paying job, and was doing ok. Lonely, but somewhat happy. One of the first things my wife told me was she was a slob. And as I found out, it was true. She also told me about her past, which was long and seamy. I figured that being she was only 24 at the time she was just now beginning to grow up. She told me of the times she tried to commit suicide and how a black guy had rescued her, she had an affair with the guy, and apparently more. I figured she was just being honest with me and I accepted this as her past. She told me she had always wanted children, and that at 19 the doctor told her she should have a hytorectomy, that she would never have children. Well, I ended up marring her after living with her for a year. Her parents were not happy, but accepted the fact that she had married an older man. She had one miscarrage, then three years later had a baby girl. Two years later she had another girl. Life was tough, we were struggling as I had moved to her home town, and was the outsider. anyway, I was activated for desert storm and injured, I got a disability, 100% after fighting for 8 years. During that time my wife went to college, got a BS in nursing, and all seemed to be well. Until she decided she was missing out on life. She started an affair with a medic that worked with a ambulance survice where she worked in the hospital. She left me and my daughters for 4 months, and then decided it was not such a great idea. She had gotten her own apartment and had been running around with another nurse having a grand time, but she ssid she missed us and wanted to come home. I had been asking her to come back, I loved her, and wanted her back. Well, we did fine for 8 years, moved to florida, then to Nevada. I thought things were good, then I started having medical problems. First prostate cancer. I had a son born the month I found out. I had the surgery three months later. Then in Jan the next yr, I had cancerous colon pallups removed. Then I had a cancer removed from my nose and neck. Then got a very serious infection from surgery and had to be air lifted to Salt Lake city. Then this past fall, I had nasal cancer, and had to have two surgerys to remove it successfully. I noticed that she had become distant, and spent all her free time on the internet playing games in pogo.She told me it helped relieve the stress from work, and it was her excape. In May she told me she wanted to go to Reno, to just get away from everything, to just relax and sleep, get away from everyone. It was very suspecious, as she did not do anything like this. She called me while she was there and acted like everything was fine, but I was not happy with it, as I felt there was more. That was memorial day weekend, and the following weekend she was talking on her cell phone, and I asked who it was, she said it was a guy she met online, at the games. When she finsihed her conversaition, I asked her what was going on. And after a drawn out converstation she said she had met him in Reno for the weekend, and was having an affair with him. I was devistated. I wanted to try and work it out, but she said she did not want to. She was going to continue to see him and wanted to live here. I said I cannot do that. She went to Reno again the following weekend with him, and we continured to talk and argue about it. I said there was something wrong, and she needed to get counseling. I told her I would do what ever it took, she said she did not need couseling. She told me she still loved me, but would not stop seeing him, I asked if she loved him, she said no. the next weekend she drove to Oakland to see him for the weekend. all the time spending money we could not afford. She went again the next weekend, worked that week, then quit friday and moved to Oakland with him. Leaving me and the three kids. I got an attorney and began the divorce process. She came here last weekend to see the kids, and brought him with her. My kids would not talk to him, and she dumped them off at a pool, and took him to lunch,not feeding my kids, she said she did not have the money too. She spent two nights here, and spent a total of three hours with the kids. Now she is coming this week because my daughter is having a birthday. She has not sent any money, we have bills to pay, she has dogs and horses here that I have to feed, and no money for that. Iam going nuts to tell you the truth. She lies all the time now, I got her debit card back because she had spent so much money, but she can still access the bank when she is here, its a local bank. Iam going to close the account so she cannot get my money. Although I still love her, I cannot trust her, and would never consider going back with her. She has agreed to let me have primary custody of the kids, and the house, and of course all the bills. She has a job apparently installing security cameras with him. He has no place to live, he was living in hotels, and I do not know if he has gotten a place to live yet. She says she does not have a mailing address, I need one for the divorce papers. I have some very bad days, times when I get flashes of her in bed with him. Iam on meds to help me, but I still have these very bad times, especially at night. I have heard all the things about how it will get better, and Iam better off without her, but I see what this has done to my kids, what it does to me. I am beginning to hate her, for what she has done, the lies, the betrail, the deciet, and Iknow that is not good for me and the kids. But I cannot help it. What causes women, or men, to do things like this? Why lie, even after its out. She would talk to him openly when I was here after it was out. She just flaunted it in my face. I was not a bad husband. I did all the cooking, shopping, cleaning what I could do, and even served her meals to her. I got mad because she would not help me get the house cleaned up, and I would yell, but even the kids said I was right. I never hit her, I do not drink, do drugs, or have ever ran around on her. But she now hates me, and shows contmept for me. Why? Can anyone explain this to me? Iam at a loss, and its eating me alive to try and understand this. Is it just midlife crisis, or is she sick? I have looked at border line personality disorder, it fits. Iam just so lost people, can anyone help me?

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Bart

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