Divorce Support Forums: Vacation Question

[quote]I realize I have done way more than I needed to for my son but isnt that what a parent is supose to do.[quote]

Your own issues with your mother suggest that maybe you don't have the best example of what a parent is supposed to do for their child. Especially an adult child. A parent is supposed to give an example, to stand behind their child, but not to make the decisions for teh child, not to direct the child, not to do it for them... from the moment they start walking, the job becomes to figure out how to give them more freedom and educate them to what is facing them so that you can be comfortable in letting them do it for themselves. From the kid learning to climb the steps or get a glass of water from the fridge for himself, to the adult child who needs to figure out how to be a father for himself... you CAN NOT do it all for them. you MUST let them do it or else they'll never be able to do it on thier own.

At a certain level, if they've not got the background yet, then you need to TEACH them, help them organize and structure their lives so that they develop the proper habits for living, but ... well, by the time they're parents on thier own, you really NEED to back off and let them do it or else ... you might as well be spoon feeding him baby food and not trusting him with anything more complicated than a sippy cup, let he spill.

But what I find particualrly interesting is that you are all ready to champion your own child's cause, and you are somehow not recognizing that the woman who is HIS "enemy" is ALSO a mother... the mother of the children you're trying to get for him. A woman who is JUST as responsible for doing for HER kids as YOU are in doing for YOURs... More so, becasue her kids are still underage and NEED the help.

Yours will never fly if you let him stay in the nest, keep giving him the "help".

Look... my husband is a great father. HE wants to spend more time as a father with his kids, and because of the structure of thier lives, they do not find it FUN to be with him (thier mother has them over-booked, so they're always exhausted when they're here). I've suggested to him that maybe we just need to schedule things that will similarly exhaust them, becasue that seems to be what they define as "fun"... but he does not.

I COULD do it for him, in the name of being a supportive wife and step-mother. I COULD book us for wild adventures every other week when we have the kids... but I learned not to. I am the kid's stepmother, NOT thier father, and I can not take his place for them. He has to do it for himself.

YOU are their grandmother. YOu are NOT their father. No matte rhow much you would like to, you can not BE a father for him.

What you have been doing is different from a parent who recognizes that the kid can't afford the divorce and will help pay for a lawyer (then LET the lawyer do thier job)... or from a parent who sees that the kids are in trouble and need a sitter but can't afford one, so she offers to babysit for them so they can get away. What you are doing seems to be trying to do it FOR him.

It sounds like your own mother was not involved enough and so you're wanting to do better. We are trying to tell you that what you're doing is the OPPOSITE... NOT better, just a problem but in a different direction. And frankly, the direction of OVER-involved, in an adult parent of an adult child... is WORSE than the under-involved adult parent of an adult child. At least the under-involved parent of an adult child is not making things worse, you know?

Oh, by the way, I'm glad you got your vacation worked out. How did that happen? Who was the one who approached her and made it work? Was it you, or was it your son, or was it the lawyer? Or maybe his stbx or her family wanted to do the right thing and initiated this?

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