Divorce Support Forums: Vacation Question

OK, I would suggest this for the future. If YOU want the kids to do something with YOU. Then YOU hadnle it sepearately from what your son is doing in the divorce. Don't you arrange something and then have your son proceed with it as if it's something he arranged and wants on HIS own, because his commitment to this thing that you want will not be as strong as your commitment. And his need to get this SPECIAL thing taken care of FOR YOU will maybe interfere with the regualr progress of getting a long term regular parenting plan worked out.

What you're not seeing is the long term affect all this "mothering" that you're doing will have on his ability to be a fully responsible parent in his own right.

Look... if I had a kid with a man who had been in a devastating accident, whose mother was basically running things but who was not able to manage having a job and his rehab and being a parent on his own, you can BET I'd be trying to make certain he had less time with the kids.... I'd never keep them from their grandmother, but if Dad is merely a spokesperson for Grandma, and couldn't stand up and speak for himself, then that doesn't make him much of a Dad, does it? I'd certainly wait for him to be willing and able to take control of his own life before I'd be willing to give up more time with the kids to him.

Your presence in this is bound to make him look incompetent as a father. She may be very willing to let you be in the middle because she does not trust him and thinks he's an incompetent parent, but that does not make him any better as a parent and does not make it any more likely that she'll be willing to give him more time with the kids. HE may have been willing to let you be this involved because it's easier for him... because he is NOT a full fledged adult man yet who is competent and capable of takign care of the kids on his own, and for THAT reason HE may have let you be this involved... but it does not bode well for his abilities as a parent.

Your mere presence here is preventing him from BECOMING a full fledged father. It's preventing him from proving that he's competent to do it on his own. And it may very well be the thing that hurts the whole negotiation for a long term parenting plan in the long run.

Whether or not they both want you involved, you MUST find a way out. Unless, of course, you WANT people to think your son is incompetent and incapable of taking care of kids on his own and maybe you are the only person who is capable of htis so rather than giving him rights to parent the kids, YOU should have rights to VISIT with them ...

It's not a good thing for you to be this involved.

Look, for a family vacation, it's perfectly reasonable for you to send her a note, saying you've invited the kids to Tennessee for the last half July and you're hoping she'll let them come... saying you need a response by the weekend of the 4th so that you can get the tickets & such... but that's YOUR vacation, not your son's.

OR, you can ask him if he wants to bring the kids to Tennessee with him when he comes on the fmaily vacation, and let HIM negotiate the timing with his stbx. Letting it be HIS vacation with them for the summer and HIS negotiation to resolve (or not).

But it si NOT acceptable for you to issue the invitation and then put HIM on the task fo trying to negotiate it and double-team her, making it clear that you are pulling the strings and he is merely the puppet. This does not make him a Dad, just your pawn. It's not a good setup.

Have a great vacation, then figure out how to resolve letting him be fully responsible for the kids. Heck, do this on the vacation. Back off and don't mother the grandkids... make HIM make arrangements if he wants to go out with the adults... don't automatically assume that you'll be organizing thier time. Give him suggestions if he wants (like take them for a hike or take them skating)... but don't make the plans for the hike and LEAD it... it's HIS thing to do.

Practice letting him take the lead in his own kids' lives, which si the proper thing to do.

Unless, of course, you believe that fathers aren't important and mothers (and grandmotehrs) are more important... unless you agree that he's not competent to do this for his own kids and THAT is why you're doing it all... and if that's the case, stop using him as a pawn, just come flat out and assert your rights as a grandparent that the kids are close to... who they need to see...

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