Divorce Support Forums: Please Help.....

Hello everyone. I am new here and looking for some support/advice.
I am considering leaving my husband. I don't want to and it breaks my heart to think of our marriage not working out, but I am at a point where I don't feel like I have a choice. I'll try to give a little background information, please forgive me if it gets lengthy...

We have been married for five years. We were young when we married - I was 19 he was 22. We had our first child in 2005 and a second one in 2007.
Our problems really didn't begin until I became pregnant with our first child. I remember our first big fight/argument. I was about 8 weeks along.
I chalked it up to him being stressed with work and overwhelmed at the thought of becoming a father...

Then after our daughter was born, it seemed like we began to fight more and the fights would get worse.
We both made the decision for me to be a stay-at-home mother. But during these fights he would very much hold that against me - the fact that I did not work and did not contribute money to our household.

I remember one fight in particular because it was New Years Eve 2005. That was the first time that our fights became physical on his part. I was holding our daughter and he was yelling at me. I tried to walk away and he grabbed my hair and pulled me back. He then pinned me against the wall and shoved my head into the wall with his finger. All of this while I was holding our 6 month old baby.

It seems to go in cycles. We'll be fine for a couple of months, then something will stress him and he will take it out on me.
The way he talks to me when we fight is awful. He calls me names, threatens to hit me, threatens to "throw me out of the house", and other various threats. He will take away my debit card, my cell phone, my car keys and pretty much anything else he can find to take away from me.

If I try to walk away from his fights, he follows me, he won't let me walk away. And to him, it doesn't matter whether our girls are in the room, he still fights with me in front of them if they are in there. That's what hurts me most about the whole thing is that he subjects our daughters to his rages.

He's never actually 'beat' me, although he has pushed me, thrown water on me, shoved me, etc. And the verbal abuse and him controlling me is the worst part.

Last night was our worst fight in a long time. It started about midnight and lasted until 4:00am.
I just feel so ready to be done with this. I don't know how much more I can take.
Even though he has never 'hit' me, I feel like he would at any minute if he got mad enough.

I am not in love with him anymore. Most of the time I can't stand being in the same room with him. If we ever have sex, it's just me doing it so he'll quick nagging me to do it and I do not enjoy it, It feels like a chore.

It breaks my heart to think of my daughters growing up in a broken home. But I know that a broken home is better than a abusive home.

I have asked him so many times to go to counseling with me and he refuses. He says he will not tell his problems to 'some stranger'.

I just feel so stuck because like I mentioned above, I am a stay-at-home mother. He has so much control over me because of money. I don't have my own money and I just feel so stuck in this marriage.

And more than anything, I am terrified of losing my daughters. Even though I am a wonderful mother and they are my number one priority always, I am so scared that somehow he would get custody. I couldn't live without my daughters, they are my world. And I do not want them to grow up in his care, knowing how hot-tempered and abusive he has been in our marriage.

There is no reason why he would get custody over me. He never even spends much time with them. He is always out drinking with his friends and doing his own thing while I am here at home with our daughters being the parent.
But still, I still have a fear that somehow I will lose my girls to him - and that would kill me.
That is probably the number one reason I am afraid to leave.

I just don't know what to do. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
If you read all this, I thank you very much. I would really appreciate some advice, words of encouragement, just anything you have to offer. I am so torn and just feel exhausted emotionally over this whole thing.

Thank you in advance.

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