Kgrow is 100% right. It can and will take a long time, maybe years. She can get 1/2 of your retirement. You can get half of hers. You can order to see all bank statements for as far back as you need. You should get an attorney asap. Do not try to save money here. You should get the best that money can buy. As far as adultry, it makes no differance at all, VA is a no fault state. Divorce is ugly, yours will be no differant. Your children are adults now. If things get too nasty, consider letting them in on this. Noone once to look greedy in front of their children. This may be the best way to get the fairest thing for all. Just a thought. Good luck!