A Beneficiary, not a Victim

Even when a breakup ends a marriage gone bad, separations and divorce hurt because divorce is a beginning that assimilates of the traumatic dislocations that happen when a marriage dies.

Breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good, because divorce is a loss, not just of the marriage, but also of dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope. When marriages fail, spouses who loved each other suffer profound disappointment, stress, and grief. They have seen each other naked (both literally and figurative) and have a knowledge and intimacy of each other that makes separation and divorce an amputation.

Divorce means a long slog in uncharted territory. Yesterday lies in ruins; tomorrow seems a mirage. At times, the unknowns may seem worse than the unhappy knowns of a failed marriage. Routines and responsibilities — home, family and friends, and even identity – all are deranged. Fears and uncertainty infiltrate the moment.

The sense of loss seems ineffable — the loss of companionship and shared experiences; the loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional; the loss of hopes, plans, and dreams. Going through the recovery, rather than getting over the divorce, are two different experiences. Rushing to escape the necessary suffering means missed opportunities to learn. Learning makes a person a beneficiary of suffering, not a victim.

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