Divorce after Adoption

In the happier times of a marriage, divorce isn’t the ending that any parent envisions when they begin the journey of adoption. However, divorce undoes families with adopted children the way it undoes families with biological children. When adopted children are in the picture, however, a parent may feel extra guilt because the trauma of divorce now compounds the dislocation of adoption, thus inflicting an additional sadness on a child with a history of loss.

In a divorce involving an adopted child, the parent who chooses to demonstrate a good ending to a bad situation sets an incredibly important example. The adopted child needs to be guided through his or her own pain and confusion. When a parent displays emotional leadership, the adoptee learns there is life-after-loss.

Whether a couple’s divorce is amicable or acrimonious, the emotional needs of the adopted child must be a high priority for at least the year after the divorce. Parents must remember that divorcing spouses are the marriage role models that children internalize and replicate.

Divorce triggers an adopted child’s loss issues. It is an opportunity to identify and talk about the core issue of loss, validate feelings, offer empathy, and help build a child’s resilience with coping skills. An adopted child’s awareness — that divorce equals abandonment — is an enormous canyon he or she must cross to successfully deal with the stress of this major life change.

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