Child Friendly Divorce

Parents can foster their children’s long-term adjustment to any major change in the family.

Relationships must be nurturing and supportive. The children need to know they can depend on the parents. Parents can buffer children from many of the blows that come with a divorce if the provide the right environment.

Parents cannot prevent or protect their children from all stress, particularly not when divorce fractures the family, but they can reduce the stress the children receive so they can tolerate and overcome it. This fosters the resilience children need.

There are four key ways to do this. These involve building good relationships with your children, developing open communication with them, stabilizing the home environment and limiting the amount of change in children’s lives. The third, stability, is by far the most crucial to their long-term adjustment.

Here is a checklist for parents to help foster children’s long-term adjustment to divorce:

> Build good relationships with the children. This means spending time alone with the children, showing them empathy and respect, reassuring them. Parents must be interested in their activities and support their relationship with the other parent.

> Maintain open communication with the children. Parents must listen to the children and put themselves in the children’s place. This means listening to the children, particularly about divorce related questions.

> Create a stable home environment. This means regular, organized routines and established rules and limits.

> Limit change in children’s lives. This means giving children six months before making additional changes, and making changes slowly.

Children often emerge from their parents’ divorce with greater psychological strength. Research shows that the most effective easy to foster that resilience is not to shelter them from stress, but to allow them to encounter stress in doses that are moderate enough for them to handle and overcome successfully. This resilience serves them throughout their lives.

Both spouses may experience feelings of guilt during a divorce, but they do so at different times. The leaver may feel guilt over leaving the marriage, no matter how unhealthy it was. In fact, the longer the co-dependent marriage goes on, the more each party is locked into an existing role. The giver becomes accustomed to always putting others’ desires and interests before his or hers. It may be agonizing for that person to suddenly put his or her mental well being ahead of doing for others. On the other hand, the spouse left may do a lot of hand wringing over various “if only” issues– if only he had been a better provider, lover, caregiver, companion.

The shock numbs with time, as the sufferer accepts the fact of the major life change is permanent. Guilt can be addressed in joint counseling, or counseling for closure.

Some ways to ease the divorce process, may be to:

> Listen to your child;

> Put yourself in your child’s place;

> Tune into divorce related questions;

> Accept their feelings;

> Use emotional regulation to help yourself and your child;

>Encourage them to talk

> Engage your child in an activity;

> Stay available;

> Share some of your own feelings;

> Use a children’s book to give them information about the divorce;

> Seek out other support people for your children;

> Resolve the issues of custody and placement as quickly as possible;

> Take children’s developmental needs into account;

> End parental conflict;

> Support children’s relationships with their other parent;

> Encourage your child to assume age-appropriate responsibilities;

> Resolve the reconciliation question quickly;

> Get counseling for your child if necessary;

> Make changes gradually;

> Allow six months between major changes;

> Continue familiar routines;

> Give children time to prepare for changes;

> Provide a positive focus.

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