Archive for the 'Divorce' Category

The Friendly Divorce

Friday, October 30th, 2015

An amicable (“friendly”) divorce is sometimes used as a synonym for an uncontested or no contest divorce, which works when a couple decide to end a marriage that no longer works well in the appropriate way – as a business deal. In this regime, the spouses recognize that love has gone (or perhaps never existed), and they just want to go away. The partners exit each other’s life, if not amicably, then at least civilly. If there are no children, the spouses have little or no contact after the divorce; if there are children, they handle things fairly and respectfully way.

An amicable divorce turns on agreement on issues including, but not limited to, child custody, child support, visitation, spousal support, and property division. After reaching an agreement on terms and conditions, the couple must file divorce paperwork in family court to obtain the divorce. Often, there is a requisite separation or waiting period. The final divorce is subject to the court’s approval. The divorce incorporates terms the couple agreed to. Amicable divorces are popular because spouses agree on terms and conditions and file papers in court without the cost and time of hiring attorneys to do battle with one another. An amicable divorce saves time, money, and heartache.

Make no mistake. Divorce is never fun, but divorce does not have to be trench warfare and a fight to the death. If at all possible, the spouses can engage in what is known as a civil divorce, which is also called a collaborative divorce.

A collaborative divorce is appropriate for a couple that does not have difficulty agreeing. It is a big time and money saver. Lawyers facilitate the couple’s communication and continue to advise their respective clients. All parties try to agree on the specifics of the divorce so that the matter does not go to court. Parties come to their own agreements during divorce instead of putting control in the hands of a judge. Each spouse retains a collaborative lawyer, and both spouses and the attorneys make decisions outside of a court of law. Both spouses share information and come to an agreement on important issues such as alimony and child custody, and both agree a on any experts who need to be hired to help finalize the divorce. After this collaborative agreement is signed, the spouses must identify the property and financial assets they have, as well as any debt, so they can decide on how it all will be divided, and any other issues to be resolved during this collaborative divorce process.

In a mediated divorce, couples resolve issues out of court with the help of a mediator. The mediator helps the couple come to an amicable agreement on issues in divorce. Some jurisdictions require couples to seek mediation on certain issues in divorce.

Sometimes spouses come to understand that they probably would have made better friends than sweethearts, so the parting is amicable, if perhaps tinged with melancholy. These partners avail themselves of that could be a friendly divorced, and sometimes the spouses remain friends and share parenting comfortably with each other and future spouses. About one third of divorcing couples end marriages with a friendly divorce. In some jurisdictions, they can use a summary divorce and file pro se. This do it yourself (DIY) divorce works well if parties have been married a short time, have no children and no substantial property. It can also work when both agree to all property division, custody issues, and support schedules. Couples are not required to have counsel to divorce; they can file papers and seek court approval in most cases without lawyers.

Therapists may be beneficial to a couple even after the decision to divorce, as they may help facilitate an amicable agreement during divorce proceedings. Therapists can assist a couple overcome heated emotions so they can focus on efficient completion of the legal process.

Regardless of the specific approach taken, when divorcing spouses commit to developing compromises and solutions that work for both parties rather than fighting on every issue, the legal process of divorce works more smoothly. In turn, the parties are able to move forward individually and as a family more quickly with less pain, effort, expense, and time expended.

Divorcing a Narcissist

Wednesday, October 7th, 2015

Many people exhibit some narcissistic qualities, but full-blown narcissistic personality disorders afflict only about 8 percent of men and about 5 percent of women. Marriage to a narcissist is tough, but divorcing one is tougher, according to Sara Parker-Pope of The New York Times.
Marriage to a narcissist becomes a high conflict test of endurance for the victim spouse and children. Anyone who has dealt with a narcissist or other high-conflict personality knows that they are the masters of projection and dishonesty. They love to project their own fictions and falsehoods onto their victims, and in a divorce a narcissist can become particularly vicious.

A narcissistic personality disorder manifests itself differently with each person. The Mayo Clinic say a narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorders believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Dr. Carole Lieberman, a psychiatrist, says narcissistic individuals are able to lie in such a convincing fashion. “Since narcissists believe that the world revolves around them, or that it should, they think they can reinvent reality and no one should question them. Even though they know that what they’re writing or saying is really stretching the truth, they think that they are so clever about it that they will fool the recipient into going along with them,”
 says Dr. Lieberman.
Dealing with a narcissist isn’t for the weak. Charming and charismatic at the onset, crossing a narcissist brings forth a furry that few people are equipped to deal with. This interaction leaves the sanest person questioning his or her own sanity.

Narcissists may engage in what is called “gaslighting,” a term used for a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun to favor the abuser. He or she may present false information with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. The abuser may deny that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or stage bizarre events with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife insane.

When dealing with a narcissist, it is very important to build a foundation from rock — the rock that comes from knowing what is the truth.

“[I]f you’re dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder, you’re dealing with somebody who does not have the ability for empathy or to emotionally tune in to their partner or their children. They come into the relationship with this charming and very seductive beginning. But that turns into emotional warfare. Narcissists are people who lack empathy, who are not accountable for their behavior. They set up their world so it’s about them. They exploit others for their own gain,” according to family therapist Karyl McBride. McBride is the author of a guide for people trying to extract themselves from narcissistic relationships — Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family, which is featured in this month’s Well Book Club.

“If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you eventually discover you are there to revolve around them and to serve them. You can only imagine the shock that happens for people when they get seduced into something they think is the best thing that ever happened to them and it turns into this kind of relationship,” McBride says.

A relationship with either a full-blown narcissistic personality or even people with a high number of narcissistic traits become traumatic experience for the victim spouse and the children. When the victim spouses files for divorce and decides to leave or even thinks about leaving, the marriage becomes an even bigger nightmare. Victims have to deal with family law and custody evaluators and therapists and judges and the courts. “If you divorce a narcissist, it’s not going to be a normal divorce because if you leave the narcissist, they never get over it. They seek revenge, and the court system is an incredibly great platform for a narcissist.” Narcissists thrive in turning a divorce in what Parker-Pope calls a “playground.” -– “where they can just continue the battle with the partner and continue to seek revenge, and that’s what happens.”

The narcissist does not get over a divorce. Other people are hurt and angry and eventually recover and get over it. The narcissist continues to blame the partner and harm him or her. They do it by these long, extended, contentious divorce cases that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.

People with full-blown narcissistic personality disorder don’t seek help. They’re not introspective or in touch with their own feelings, and they blame everyone else. They are difficult to treat, and they don’t seek treatment. If they do, it’s only to tell you how often everyone else is wrong.

Marriage to a narcissist reaches a point where the victim spouse sees that the high conflict of the marriage is causing emotional damage the children, and he or she makes a decision to leave. The victims in these relationships get physically sick, and they become exhausted from having to revolve around the narcissist and they feel like they can’t do anything right.

In a divorce, the narcissist uses children as tools. “Kids have a hard time going through a normal divorce. In these high-conflict, contentious divorce cases, this becomes a child’s life. It’s evaluators and therapists and court cases. Children are caught in the middle of all that and deeply harmed by it.”

“Narcissists don’t make great parents, but they use the children as pawns because they know it’s the most important thing to their partner. It’s not that they necessarily want to have time with kids, but it looks good for them to do the Disneyland-parent kind of stuff. The children are the best tool they have to get back at their partner.”

Child Friendly Divorce

Tuesday, August 25th, 2015

Parents can foster their children’s long-term adjustment to any major change in the family.

Relationships must be nurturing and supportive. The children need to know they can depend on the parents. Parents can buffer children from many of the blows that come with a divorce if the provide the right environment.

Parents cannot prevent or protect their children from all stress, particularly not when divorce fractures the family, but they can reduce the stress the children receive so they can tolerate and overcome it. This fosters the resilience children need.

There are four key ways to do this. These involve building good relationships with your children, developing open communication with them, stabilizing the home environment and limiting the amount of change in children’s lives. The third, stability, is by far the most crucial to their long-term adjustment.

Here is a checklist for parents to help foster children’s long-term adjustment to divorce:

> Build good relationships with the children. This means spending time alone with the children, showing them empathy and respect, reassuring them. Parents must be interested in their activities and support their relationship with the other parent.

> Maintain open communication with the children. Parents must listen to the children and put themselves in the children’s place. This means listening to the children, particularly about divorce related questions.

> Create a stable home environment. This means regular, organized routines and established rules and limits.

> Limit change in children’s lives. This means giving children six months before making additional changes, and making changes slowly.

Children often emerge from their parents’ divorce with greater psychological strength. Research shows that the most effective easy to foster that resilience is not to shelter them from stress, but to allow them to encounter stress in doses that are moderate enough for them to handle and overcome successfully. This resilience serves them throughout their lives.

Both spouses may experience feelings of guilt during a divorce, but they do so at different times. The leaver may feel guilt over leaving the marriage, no matter how unhealthy it was. In fact, the longer the co-dependent marriage goes on, the more each party is locked into an existing role. The giver becomes accustomed to always putting others’ desires and interests before his or hers. It may be agonizing for that person to suddenly put his or her mental well being ahead of doing for others. On the other hand, the spouse left may do a lot of hand wringing over various “if only” issues– if only he had been a better provider, lover, caregiver, companion.

The shock numbs with time, as the sufferer accepts the fact of the major life change is permanent. Guilt can be addressed in joint counseling, or counseling for closure.

Some ways to ease the divorce process, may be to:

> Listen to your child;

> Put yourself in your child’s place;

> Tune into divorce related questions;

> Accept their feelings;

> Use emotional regulation to help yourself and your child;

>Encourage them to talk

> Engage your child in an activity;

> Stay available;

> Share some of your own feelings;

> Use a children’s book to give them information about the divorce;

> Seek out other support people for your children;

> Resolve the issues of custody and placement as quickly as possible;

> Take children’s developmental needs into account;

> End parental conflict;

> Support children’s relationships with their other parent;

> Encourage your child to assume age-appropriate responsibilities;

> Resolve the reconciliation question quickly;

> Get counseling for your child if necessary;

> Make changes gradually;

> Allow six months between major changes;

> Continue familiar routines;

> Give children time to prepare for changes;

> Provide a positive focus.

Planning for Transgender Couples in Marriage

Thursday, July 9th, 2015

Transgendered people face thorny legal issues with regard to marriage. Although marriage is not yet a legal option for gay or lesbian people in all jurisdictions, it is already an option — and a reality — for many who are transgender.

Transgender people are often able to enter into a heterosexual marriage after undergoing sex-reassignment. A transgender person may also be married to a person of the same sex, which happens, for example, when one of the spouses in a heterosexual marriage comes out as transsexual and transitions within the marriage. If the couple chooses remain married as many do, the result is a legal marriage in which both spouses are male or female. Alternatively, in jurisdictions that do not allow a transgender person to change his or her legal sex, some transgender people have been able to marry a person of the same sex. To all outward appearances and to the couple themselves, the marriage is a same-sex union. In the eyes of the law, however, it is a different-sex marriage because technically speaking, the law continues to view the transgender spouse as a legal member of his or her birth sex even after sex-reassignment.

In short, marriage is a very real option for a variety of transgender people in a variety of circumstances; in practice, however, the legal validity of marriages involving a transgender spouse is not yet firmly established in the great majority of jurisdictions.

Transgender people who are married must be aware of their potential legal vulnerability and take steps to protect themselves. Married transgender people should certainly act accordingly and should not hesitate to exercise their rights as legal spouses, including, for examples, the right to file married tax returns, the right to apply for spousal benefits or the right to have or adopt children as a married couple. At the same time, however, it is also important to create a safety net in the event that the validity of the marriage is challenged.

Although there are many benefits and protections that arise exclusively through marriage that cannot be duplicated through any other means, there are also some basic protections that can be safeguarded and secured through privately executed documents and agreements. At a minimum, a transgender person who is married should have:

> A last will and testament for both spouses;

> Financial and medical powers of attorney in which each spouse designates either the other spouse or another trusted person to be his or her legal agent in the event of incapacitation; and

> A written personal relationship agreement including a detailed account of each spouse’s rights and responsibilities with regard to finances, property, support, children and any other issues that are important to the couple.

The agreement should acknowledge that the non-transgender partner is aware that his or her spouse is transgender to avoid any later claims of fraud or deception. Ideally, the couple should draft those documents with assistance from an attorney and supplement them with any other legal planning documents that are appropriate for their specific circumstances.

With those basic documents in place, transgender people who are married can at least ensure that the spouses can inherit each other’s estates and retain control over their own financial and medical decisions, even if the validity of the marriage is challenged. In many cases, the safety net created by extra legal planning will never have to be used. In others, the presence of that extra protection will shelter the transgender person and his or her spouse from devastating emotional trauma and financial loss.

Divorce after Adoption

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2015

In the happier times of a marriage, divorce isn’t the ending that any parent envisions when they begin the journey of adoption. However, divorce undoes families with adopted children the way it undoes families with biological children. When adopted children are in the picture, however, a parent may feel extra guilt because the trauma of divorce now compounds the dislocation of adoption, thus inflicting an additional sadness on a child with a history of loss.

In a divorce involving an adopted child, the parent who chooses to demonstrate a good ending to a bad situation sets an incredibly important example. The adopted child needs to be guided through his or her own pain and confusion. When a parent displays emotional leadership, the adoptee learns there is life-after-loss.

Whether a couple’s divorce is amicable or acrimonious, the emotional needs of the adopted child must be a high priority for at least the year after the divorce. Parents must remember that divorcing spouses are the marriage role models that children internalize and replicate.

Divorce triggers an adopted child’s loss issues. It is an opportunity to identify and talk about the core issue of loss, validate feelings, offer empathy, and help build a child’s resilience with coping skills. An adopted child’s awareness — that divorce equals abandonment — is an enormous canyon he or she must cross to successfully deal with the stress of this major life change.

Ethical Problems in Family Mediation

Thursday, June 11th, 2015

Often used in a divorce, mediation is a voluntary, non-binding process where a neutral third party helps the spouses reach a mutually beneficial resolution of their dispute. The mediator facilitates communication, promotes understanding, assists in identifying and exploring issues, interests and possible bases for agreement and compromise. Sometimes he or she helps the parties evaluate the likely outcome in court or arbitration if they cannot reach settlement through mediation.

Ethical issues in mediation are typically associated with confidentiality and conflict of interest, according to Trip Barthel, the Founder and Executive Director of the Neighborhood Mediation Center in Reno, Nevada. Sometimes, however, the mediator faces situations that tax the give and take of the process. For example, sometimes mediation moves toward a very unbalanced proposal, or, worse, threatens the well being of parties “not at the table,” such as children in a custody dispute.

Mediation is a fluid and flexible process. JAMS (formerly Judicial Arbitration and Mediation Services), which is a national mediation service, have established guidelines to guide mediators facing an ethical conflict. National in scope, the guidelines are not intended to supplant applicable state or local laws or rules. All JAMS mediators know applicable state statutes or court rules. In the event that these guidelines are inconsistent with such statutes or rules, the mediators complies with the applicable law.

> The mediator must make sure everyone knows about his or her role and understands the terms of the settlement. If a party is unable to give informed consent because of, for example, a physical or mental impairment, the mediation should stop until such informed consent has been obtained from the party or the party’s duly authorized representative.

> The mediator must protect the voluntary participation of each party. The right of the parties to reach a voluntary agreement is central to mediation. Court-ordered mediation can imply reluctance. A mediator should assure the parties that although they have been ordered to attend the mediation, a settlement could be reached only if it is to their mutual satisfaction.

> The mediator must be competent to mediate a problem. A mediator should have sufficient knowledge of relevant procedural and substantive issues. A mediator should refuse to serve or withdraw from the mediation if the mediator becomes physically or mentally unable to meet the reasonable expectations of the parties.

> The mediator must maintain the confidentiality of the process. The parties must understand confidentiality before the mediation begins. The mediator should explain (a) any applicable laws, rules or agreements prohibiting disclosure in subsequent legal proceedings of offers and statements made and documents produced during the session, and (b) the mediator’s role in maintaining confidences within the mediation and as to third parties.

> No confidential information should be disclosed without permission of all parties or unless required by law, court rule or other legal authority. A mediator must not use confidential information acquired during the mediation to gain personal advantage or advantage for others, or to affect adversely the interests of others. If the mediation is being conducted under rules or laws that require disclosure of information, a mediator should so notify the parties prior to beginning the mediation session. In addition, a mediator’s notes, the parties’ submissions and other documents containing confidential or otherwise sensitive information should be stored in a reasonably secure location and may be destroyed 90 days after the mediation has been completed or sooner if all parties so request or consent.

> The mediator must be impartial. A mediator should disclose any information that reasonably could lead a party to question the mediator’s impartiality. A mediator may proceed with the process unless a party objects to continuing service. A mediator should withdraw if a conflict of interest exists that casts serious doubt on the integrity of the process.

> The mediator should refrain from any conduct involving a party, insurer or counsel to the mediation that reasonably would cast doubt on the integrity of the mediation process, absent disclosure to and consent by all parties to the mediation. This does not preclude the mediator from serving as a mediator or in another dispute resolution capacity with a party, insurer or counsel involved in the prior mediation.

> The mediator should exercise caution in accepting items of value, including gifts or payments for meals, from a party, insurer or counsel to a mediation during or after a mediation, particularly if the items are accepted at such a time and in such a manner as to cast doubt on the integrity of the mediation process.

> A mediator should not recommend other professionals. If a mediator is unable to make a personal recommendation without creating a potential or actual conflict of interest, the mediator should so advise the parties and refer them elsewhere.

> If it becomes appropriate to discuss the possibility combining mediation with binding arbitration, the mediator his or her role and relationship to the parties has altered, as well as the impact such a shift may have on the disclosure of information to the mediator. The parties should be given the opportunity to select another neutral to conduct the arbitration procedure.

The Servicemembers Civil Relief Act Protects Servicemembers

Thursday, April 16th, 2015

The Servicemembers Civil Relief Act protects soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, Coast Guardsmen, commissioned officers in the Public Health Service and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, from being sued while on active military service of their country and for up to a year after active duty.

In a divorce, SCRA protects active duty military personnel who may request a stay or postponement of the divorce.

A military defendant may enlist SCRA to postpone the case against him or her for the duration of the military service plus 60 days. Generally, however, in cases where the defendant is in the military, “the court must stay the proceedings for at least 90 days (upon application of the Service Member or his or her attorney or on the court’s own motion)” when the court determines there “may be a defense to the action and defense cannot be presented without the presence of the Service Member.”

In order to apply for these protections the servicemember must be a party to the suit. The provision applies to civil lawsuits, suits for paternity, child custody suits, and bankruptcy debtor/creditor meeting; however, it does not apply to administrative hearings, criminal trials, child support proceedings, actions where the service member is a material witness, and situations where the “service member has leave available and has made no attempt to use his/her leave to attend the proceedings.”

Service personnel who become parties to an unwanted divorce use SCRA’s protections to contest it. Often the servicemember’s commander writes a letter to the court and the opposing party’s attorney stating that the servicemember cannot attend the proceedings. The member should not have an attorney draft the letter to the court because a letter could be considered an appearance by the service member and could subject the service member to the jurisdiction of the court.

SCRA was formerly called the Soldiers’ and Sailors’ Civil Relief Act of 1940. Despite the act’s official date of 1940, its antecedents go back as the Civil War when the Congress passed a moratorium on civil actions brought against Union soldiers and sailors. This meant that any legal action involving a civil matter was put on hold until after the soldier or sailor returned from the war. Examples of civil matters included breach of contract, bankruptcy, foreclosure or divorce proceedings.

Congress’ intent in passing the moratorium was to protect both national interests and those of servicemembers. First, Congress wanted servicemembers to be able to fight without worrying about problems at home. Secondly, because most soldiers and sailors during the Civil War were not well paid, it was difficult for them to honor their pre-service debts, such as mortgage payments or other credit.

The Act may now be found in the Appendix to Title 50 of the U.S. Code, Sections 501-596.

Dissipation and Marital Debt

Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

As a rule, debts incurred during a marriage are marital, but not all debts incurred during a marriage are marital.

Courts look with disfavor on dissipation of marital assets. Depending on the situation, debt incurred through gambling, high living and reckless investment may not be a joint responsibility, even when the obligation occurred during the marriage. Courts consider this dissipation and debt caused by dissipation of assets is not marital.

Things to Consider When Hiring a Divorce Attorney

Wednesday, March 4th, 2015

Hiring a divorce attorney is a very important decision. The following are a few important considerations when hiring a divorce attorney.

> The experience of the lawyer. Any divorce attorney should have substantial experience in handling divorce case; he or she should practice primarily in the field of divorce law. An experienced attorney knows what to expect of the judges in his or her jurisdiction and should be able to use this to a client’s advantage.

> Client Testimonials. Former clients are a good source of insight into the attorney. An attorney should be willing to provide client references.

> Communication skills. One of the most common complaints about a divorce lawyer is that clients are unable to communicate with him or her. A divorce attorney must be accessible and prompt in responding to phone calls, emails, and requests for meetings. This is another area where prospective clients can best assess the divorce attorney by hearing what former clients have to say.

> Attorney Costs. Some attorneys do brief initial consultations for nothing; however, most experienced divorce attorneys will charge between $100 and $200 as a consultation fee, and much more for their normal hourly rate. It is a good idea to ask about the attorney’s hourly rate, what the up front retainer is, whether any portion of the retainer is refundable if it is not used, and the billing cycle, if any.

> Comfort Level. A client must have a comfort level with a divorce attorney. A divorce case is too important to entrust to someone who does not inspire complete confidence.

The Personal Things a Divorce Lawyer Needs to Know

Wednesday, February 4th, 2015

In a divorce action, lawyers need to know everything about their clients. Everyone has secrets and in divorce secrets have a way of percolating to the surface. In a divorce, particularly an angry contested action, nothing is sacred, or secret.

Things that even a close friend may not know — a torrid affair, for example — have an uncanny way of coming out in a divorce. The secrecy of these little tidbits — embarrassing, illegal, or wrong things that many people have done — allow people to look at others with a straight face.

With luck, these will not be launched into the cyber-world by the other spouse, or come up in a custody evaluation, or play out in the courtroom; when custody is in dispute, everybody and everything seems to be fair game. A client needs to anticipate that a secret will not remain so, and trust his lawyer with the skeletons in the closet. A lawyer need to know about any past or present illegal drug use and/or addiction issues; the use of any anti-depressants or mental health diagnoses or treatments; romantic involvements; childhood trauma, such as molestation, or a juvenile delinquency history; any income tax evasion; any unusual sex desires; any criminal acts and what the spouse knows about them spouse knows about them.

To be effective, the divorce lawyer needs to help the client properly characterize these items and not let them be used to obscure the merits of a legal position. The last place lawyer wants to hear about any of thee transgressions is from someone other than his client. Without a good rebuttal, the case may be lost.