When a couple divorce it is easy to put the children in the middle of disputes. However, the couple must love their children more than they hate each other. Allowing children to be used as pawns in a divorce action is no different than child abuse.

Parental alienation is very quickly utilized when a mother will say, “if your father would only give me more money then I could buy you that outfit”, or “see, your father never picks you up when he says he will”. Rather than push the child away from their parent, it would best serve the adults and more importantly the children, for parents to get along as best as possible.

Remember, adults are the decision makers here, children don’t usually have a say in whether the parents should or should not divorce; nor should they. The children should be protected in every way possible before, during and after the divorce. It is the parents’ duty to facilitate this.

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Remember to be as open as possible, which will reinforce and even enhance your trust for one another. Many parents find that they do communicate better during divorce and/or separation because it is the first time in a while that they were forced to have meaningful conversations. This is not necessarily the reason in your case, but divorce and/or separation can create a stronger parent-child bond. Communicating effectively with your child actually gives him or her the sense of greater responsibility and respect. In conversation, be sure to listen and allow your child to express his or her own opinions.

Strategies and Tactics to Improve or Continue Good Communication:

- Pick a place where you both feel comfortable.

- Never criticize the other parent in conversation. This includes all body gestures, like the rolling of the eyes or shrugging.

- Stay calm when things get a little heated and avoid quick irrational responses.

- Never use threats or ultimatums.

- Stay on the topic of conversation. If another issue comes up, write it down and discuss it at a later time.

- Look, don’t just listen, for your response. Facial Expressions are as telling as words.

- Do not interrupt your child.

- Do not talk down to your child as if he or she does not understand.

- Avoid saying, “If you were older you would know what I am talking about”, because your child will interpret this as your excuse for being wrong.

ANSWER: I always establish clear expectations for the child and make sure he or she adheres to them. Limited reasoning with the child, he or she more or less knows what is right and wrong to avoid disciplinary action but does not always understand why.

SUGGESTION: It is suggested that you become less of an authoritative parent. This means that you should certainly continue to establish clear expectations, but your child should also have a clear understanding of why you are expecting him or her to behave in a certain manner. “Because” or “I said so” is not a good enough reason. An explanation is essential for your child to grow from his or her mistakes, thus becoming a more mature child.

ANSWER: I try to establish rules for the child, but inconsistencies in the behavior and atmosphere seem to interfere. This makes it very difficult to be stern with the child and deliver much, if any consistent disciplinary action.

SUGGESTION: It is suggested that you become more of an authoritative parent. This means that you should establish clear expectations, but also your child should have a clear understanding of why you are expecting him or her to behave in a certain manner. “Because” or “I said so” is not a good enough reasoning. An explanation is essential for your child to grow from his or her mistakes, thus becoming a more mature child. Your disciplinary actions should also become very consistent. You will want to make sure that you deliver an adequate punishment for bad behavior, getting it to the point, where your child will expect and understand why he or she is being punished.

ANSWER: I establish rules and the child has a clear understanding of why they exist. Disciplinary actions are taken on a consistent basis and most of the time the child expects the punishment and knows why he or she is receiving it.

SUGGESTION: Your parenting style for discipline is probably the most favorable. We would not suggest changing your style, but you should recognize what makes your technique as strong as it is. That is… clear expectations, clear understanding, and consistent punishment.

On the contrary, all parents should always praise their child for good behavior and acknowledge that behavior when ever possible. If there is no positive reinforcement for your child, he or she will not have the incentive to meet or exceed your expectations.

Your disciplinary methods are probably a little different because it was always more the role of one parent to deliver the punishment than the other. This is not uncommon in a lot of families, but that does not mean it is right. Your child should expect the same actions from you and the other parent.

If you are not sure, you need to discuss with the other parent what the guidelines for discipline are going to be. You and the other parent should always maintain and reinforce the same disciplinary methods. If one parent decides to institute a new rule, it should be discussed with the other parent prior to implementation.

You and the other parent should always try to maintain and reinforce the same disciplinary methods. If one parent decides to institute a new rule, it should be discussed with the other parent prior to implementation. A parenting agreement will often have a section that addresses the disciplinary standards, so each parent is following the same rules for all disciplinary measures.

Parents can run into many difficulties when one parent is delivering a harsher punishment or the contrary, no punishment at all. A child will quickly catch on to one parent being more lenient, and often times that parent will become a scapegoat for the child. The child will say things like, “mom lets me do that at the dinner table”, or “If I were at dads house he would not care if I stayed up and watched a movie”. As you can tell, from the examples mentioned, the child has begun to play one parent against the other. This type of behavior by the child will hurt the parenting relationship. If your child does begin to make comparisons like the examples above, do not jump to any conclusions until you have spoken directly to the other parent. Your child can easily make up a quick story to try to get what he or she wants, so you may find that your child is deceiving you.

Once you do have an agreement about the disciplinary actions, sticking by them will create a sense of trust between you and the other parent. When you share knowledge and experiences about your child, you must tell both good and bad, along with what disciplinary action was or was not implemented.

As a single parent you must understand that due to time and circumstance you have no control over what kind of relationship your child will have with the other parent. You can attempt to influence your child to have a poor relationship, or no relationship at all, with the other parent, but nine times out of ten the child will eventually realize that he or she has been manipulated or persuaded. There are some obvious circumstances that would involve relationship intervention and those would be, domestic abuse, drug and alcohol problems, and mental instability just to name a few. If there is no physical or mental risk, positive reinforcement of any parenting relationship should exist from both parents.

Common issues that cause one parent to not want a child to have a relationship with the other parent.

- Child Support Issues
- Visitation Issues
- Step-family Issues
- Religious Issues
- Educational Issues
- Drug/Alcohol Abuse
- New Relationships

Common emotions that cause one parent to not want a child to have a relationship with the other parent.

- Jealousy - Wants to be the favorite parent.
- Revenge - Using the child to get back at the other parent.
- Insecurity - Afraid to be without the child.

Getting your child to open-up during your divorce can be one of the greatest challenges of all. It does take time and effort, so patience is a must. Here are a few tips to help your child share his or her feelings.

- Create occasions where your child spends one-on-one time with a friend or relative.

- Ask questions about how he or she is feeling. Do not do this out of the blue, but rather during a divorce or separation related conversation.

- Consider meeting with a family counselor on your own.

- Ask your child, “What should I do to make it better?”, or “What could I have done?”. These questions will typically invoke a response that will reveal your child’s feelings or emotions.

- If you have more than one child, try to have a family meeting about the divorce or separation. Try to find out how everyone is doing and see if things are all right. One child’s discussion may spark that of another.

- It is not recommended that you ask your child’s friends if he or she has said anything to them about the divorce and/or separation. This does seem like the easiest solution, but you are risking your child’s trust, which is absolutely invaluable during this difficult time.

- Contact the school guidance counselor for options for support.

- Contact a local church for options for support.

It is very important for your child to have things remain in tact during the divorce and/or separation. The change in the family structure is enough to be burdened with, so try to make all the little things stay the same, like bedtime stories, movie night, game night, dinner time, visits with relatives, etc.

Take the time to analyze the daily activities of your child and decide which of those are routine and which are not. Once you discover these routine activities, do your best not to interrupt them. Rituals and routines are what make an individual. The loss of routine will lessen your child’s sense of security and can ultimately cause him or her to lose his or her own identity.

Throughout and after the divorce and/or separation, some rituals or routines are difficult, if not impossible to maintain. When you discover this, try to create a new ritual or routine to take its place. Some rituals, like going to the park on the weekend, may not have seemed that important at the time, but when it is taken away, your child will quickly miss it.
For example: if you can not go to the park on the weekends, because you now live in the city, maybe there is a local museum that would accomplish a similar time-sharing experience.

The following is a list of events that are typically considered a family routine or ritual. It is provided to give you a start to reflect on your own family as well as giving you new ideas for replacements.

- Dinner Time
- Bed Time
- Morning Schedule
- Movie Night
- Game Night
- Visits with Friends and/or Relatives
- Sporting Events
- Trips to the Zoo
- Going for Ice Cream
- Going out to Dinner
- Going Fishing
- Walks in the Park
- Bike Rides
- Vacations
- Trip to the Circus

Parents will often spend more money on presents for a child during a divorce and/or separation. The natural instinct is to do whatever you can to make a child happy and if that means buying him or her a new bike or a new dress, that is what must be done. Parents are typically worried about the emotional state of their child during the divorce and/or separation, so when they see him or her happy, it makes them feel better inside. This being said, keep in mind that a temporary sense of happiness due to a present is not a cure for either you or your child.

The act of buying excessive presents for a child is more of a selfishness on the parent’s part. This is a way for a parent to get a sense of relief that a child is happy. You should continue to remind yourself that you can not buy happiness.

This does not mean you should eliminate all presents or surprises for your child, but instead keep them at the same level they were prior to the divorce and/or separation. As mentioned previously, it is very important to maintain a routine and relationship similar to what it was prior to the divorce and/or separation.

Instead of flourishing your child with presents, try substituting fun activities you can do with your child. Each time you have the urge to buy your child a gift, try replacing it with an activity. The special times that you spend with your child will give you and your child more personal satisfaction. The time together will put a smile on everyone’s face and will create a memory that can never be replaced. The more time you spend with your child the quicker your guilt will go away. The guilt will probably never completely disappear, but your efforts to be the best parent you can be will eventually let you be at peace with yourself and the divorce and/or separation.

Sometimes one parent is trying to keep up with the other parent’s giving of presents. If you have found yourself trapped in this game, you need to have a talk with the other parent as soon as possible. Hopefully you and the other parent can come to an agreement to stop or at least lessen the amount of presents given to your child. This is not a time to be competing for the love of your child, but instead a time to be working together to be good single parents. This sense of competition will be perceived by your child and he or she will feel as though it is pulling him or her in two different directions. The typical child experiencing his or her parent’s divorce and/or separation does not want to love one parent more than the other.

Strategies and Tactics When It Comes to Buying Presents:

- Try to have your child earn the present as a reward.

- Substitute the thought of getting your child a present with spending time with an activity.

- Before buying something for your child ask the following question: Does my child need this or want this?

- Keep the amount of presents the same as prior to the divorce and/or separation.

- Make sure there is a reason for any present or gift.

It is best for your child that you do not have secrets. You and your child should not have any secrets that are not to be told to the other parent. Having secrets can put your child in a very non-relaxing and vulnerable position. Many children that carry these types of secrets fear the day that they may be asked a compromising question. Having secrets with your child can cause sever anxiety, especially when both you and the other parent are in his or her presence.

If your child is questioned regarding a secret, he or she will realize fast that it is a no win situation. There are two choices for your child, be dishonest to the other parent or reveal the secretive information. Either you or the other parent will be betrayed and this is difficult when your child probably loves you both very much. It is these types of no win situations that you want to prevent your child from ever being a part of.

Secrets do not necessarily have to be declared a “secret” to carry the same harmful characteristics. For example: a father says to his child, “I am going to be finding out on Monday if I am being laid off of my job, but do not tell your mother”. As soon as the child is unable to tell his or her mother, it becomes a secret.

If your child does have less out of school work it is a clear sign that he or she is probably skipping or rushing homework assignments. Your child may be experiencing a bit of “scatter brain”, meaning his or her mind is racing and he or she can not focus on one thing at a time, for example doing a math problem. The divorce and/or separation is probably causing your child to have feelings that leave him or her empty in side. Your child can begin to feel helpless, which makes doing his or her homework or participating in school extremely difficult. Problems in school is a clear cut sign that your child is not taking the family break up well. Your child may seem fine when he or she is at home, but is your child hiding his or her feelings to make you happy? The emotional trauma of divorce and/or separation can easily trigger poor grades in school, which can make your child even more depressed. If this type of situation continues it may permanently destroy the enthusiasm your child has to learn.

Strategies and Tactics to Monitor School and School Related Activities:

- Be sure to tell your child’s teachers that you are going through a divorce and/or separation. Many parents try to keep this a secret and they should not. Your child’s teachers will be able to keep an eye out for your child and report to you any changes in behavior and/or progress that has been made. Teachers tend to be a very helpful tool for parents that are going through a divorce and/or separation.

- Ask your child daily questions about school and follow up to make sure he or she is doing the required homework. If you are unsure of whether or not your child has homework, contact his or her teacher for a list of assignments for the next few weeks.

- Try to help your child with homework assignments. Your child may recognize this as an opportunity to spend quality time with you. By helping your child with homework, you will be making him or her feel more focused.

- Rewards for doing homework is also an option, but there is a down side to this tactic. If there is not reward, will they still do the homework? If you feel it is appropriate, consider trying something like the following: If your child does his or her homework for the entire week, you will go to the amusement park on Saturday. This type of arrangement is much better than saying: If you do not do your homework, we will not be going to the amusement park this Saturday. Phrase the reward or incentive positively with added enthusiasm. If your child knows that you are also looking forward to the reward, he or she will be less likely to let you down.

- Try to have a set time for homework. This reinforces the routine that your child needs to feel secure. Most children want to know what is going to happen next, they are not typically in favor of living a day of unpredictability.