It is best for your child that you do not have secrets. You and your child should not have any secrets that are not to be told to the other parent. Having secrets can put your child in a very non-relaxing and vulnerable position. Many children that carry these types of secrets fear the day that they may be asked a compromising question. Having secrets with your child can cause sever anxiety, especially when both you and the other parent are in his or her presence.

If your child is questioned regarding a secret, he or she will realize fast that it is a no win situation. There are two choices for your child, be dishonest to the other parent or reveal the secretive information. Either you or the other parent will be betrayed and this is difficult when your child probably loves you both very much. It is these types of no win situations that you want to prevent your child from ever being a part of.

Secrets do not necessarily have to be declared a “secret” to carry the same harmful characteristics. For example: a father says to his child, “I am going to be finding out on Monday if I am being laid off of my job, but do not tell your mother”. As soon as the child is unable to tell his or her mother, it becomes a secret.

If your child does have less out of school work it is a clear sign that he or she is probably skipping or rushing homework assignments. Your child may be experiencing a bit of “scatter brain”, meaning his or her mind is racing and he or she can not focus on one thing at a time, for example doing a math problem. The divorce and/or separation is probably causing your child to have feelings that leave him or her empty in side. Your child can begin to feel helpless, which makes doing his or her homework or participating in school extremely difficult. Problems in school is a clear cut sign that your child is not taking the family break up well. Your child may seem fine when he or she is at home, but is your child hiding his or her feelings to make you happy? The emotional trauma of divorce and/or separation can easily trigger poor grades in school, which can make your child even more depressed. If this type of situation continues it may permanently destroy the enthusiasm your child has to learn.

Strategies and Tactics to Monitor School and School Related Activities:

- Be sure to tell your child’s teachers that you are going through a divorce and/or separation. Many parents try to keep this a secret and they should not. Your child’s teachers will be able to keep an eye out for your child and report to you any changes in behavior and/or progress that has been made. Teachers tend to be a very helpful tool for parents that are going through a divorce and/or separation.

- Ask your child daily questions about school and follow up to make sure he or she is doing the required homework. If you are unsure of whether or not your child has homework, contact his or her teacher for a list of assignments for the next few weeks.

- Try to help your child with homework assignments. Your child may recognize this as an opportunity to spend quality time with you. By helping your child with homework, you will be making him or her feel more focused.

- Rewards for doing homework is also an option, but there is a down side to this tactic. If there is not reward, will they still do the homework? If you feel it is appropriate, consider trying something like the following: If your child does his or her homework for the entire week, you will go to the amusement park on Saturday. This type of arrangement is much better than saying: If you do not do your homework, we will not be going to the amusement park this Saturday. Phrase the reward or incentive positively with added enthusiasm. If your child knows that you are also looking forward to the reward, he or she will be less likely to let you down.

- Try to have a set time for homework. This reinforces the routine that your child needs to feel secure. Most children want to know what is going to happen next, they are not typically in favor of living a day of unpredictability.

We hear many stories of divorcing spouses, especially pro se filers, getting discouraged when they ask a question at the county courthouse and the clerk or the clerk’s assistance reply, “sorry, but we can not give out legal advice”. Yes, many of the questions asked do not require any sort of advice at all, but for liability reasons the clerk and assistants are instructed to provide limited help, if any at all.

If you have a question regarding your divorce and the process, we suggest asking them to point you in the right direction. In doing so, you are not actually asking them for an answer, but rather asking them where you may be able to go to research the answer.

Also, keep in mind that the county courthouse has a legal library which is open to the public. This library may contain sample divorce documents, filing instructions, or explanations. A library assistant on staff may become your best friend.

As a reminder, you never want to express anger or argue with the clerk. He or she will be facilitating your divorce from start to finish, so this would not be a relationship you want to sever.

If you or your spouse are not employed, the court will often impute income to determine what support amount should be paid. Imputing income is no more that coming up with a monthly income amount that the court feels the parent is capable of earning.

The court will typically look to the past three years of pay stubs or W-2s to try to average an amount. The court will also take into consideration the current job market as well as any non-repetitive bonuses or lump sum payments made by employers in the past.

The bottom line is that in cases where income must be imputed, the likely hood of the support obligation actually being paid is very slim. Even though an amount is imputed, does not mean the money is there to provide the support. The efforts made by the court are in hopes the obligated spouse will gain employment in the near future and recognize his or her financial obligation to the children.

It has become very popular over the last few years for spouses to actually do their own divorce without a lawyer. Doing your own divorce will save you money just as long as you take the appropriate steps throughout out the divorce procedure.

It is advised that you get a general understanding, prior to taking on this task. Thousands of divorces are filed every year without a lawyer and most of these divorces are uncontested. This means that you and your spouse mutually agree on the issues that will dissolve your marriage.

If you do decide to divorce on your own, make sure the paperwork you are filing is state specific and make sure you meet the residency requirements for where you wish to divorce.

Many custodial parents wish this to become true. Be careful what you wish for, especially when it has more of an affect on your life and your child’s that you can even begin to imagine. The last thing you should ever want is for the other parent to become uninvolved. Be glad that you and your child have the support of the other parent, even if it is minimal. All children deserve the opportunity, if possible, to have two parents growing up.

Unfortunately the statistics show that after a divorce and/or separation has taken place that a large percentage of the non-custodial parents become at least partially uninvolved in the life of his or her child. Parental desertion can be caused by many different things, so it is tough to actually provide a perfect remedy for getting the uninvolved parent back on track.

Your child can overcome the trauma of losing a parent, so long as you continue to provide as much positive support as possible. Look to friends and relatives for any extra support you and your child may need. The experience of divorce and/or separation is tough enough on your child, let alone losing a relationship with a parent he or she loves. Do not expect to completely replace the shoes of the uninvolved parent, but keep working as hard as you can to do so!

Strategies and Tactics for the Uninvolved Parent

- Try to figure out what is causing the other parent to be uninvolved. Is it drugs/alcohol? a new relationship? health reasons, etc.?

- If you can narrow in on what the reason for the non-involvement is, try to reason with the non-involved parent, but be sure to always keep your child’s best interest in the forefront of all decisions.

- Do not criticize the estranged parent for not being involved. Criticism will only drive him or her father away. Do everything you can to say positive things to reinforce that your child wants him or her to be a part of the child’s life.

- Do not get down on yourself for not being able to do the job of two parents. If you allow yourself to get down, you will only be postponing your child’s recovery.

- Read a few books on “Single Parenting”. This will give you a lot of helpful tips that you won’t have to learn the hard way. There are so many great resources that will help you save time, energy, and money for your child.

As a single parent you must understand that due to time and circumstance you have no control over what kind of relationship your child will have with the other parent. You can attempt to influence your child to have a poor relationship, or no relationship at all, with the other parent, but nine times out of ten the child will eventually realize that he or she has been manipulated or persuaded. There are some obvious circumstances that would involve relationship intervention and those would be, domestic abuse, drug and alcohol problems, and mental instability just to name a few. If there is no physical or mental risk, positive reinforcement of any parenting relationship should exist from both parents.

Common issues that cause one parent to not want a child to have a relationship with the other parent.

- Child Support Issues
- Visitation Issues
- Step-family Issues
- Religious Issues
- Educational Issues
- Drug/Alcohol Abuse
- New Relationships

Common emotions that cause one parent to not want a child to have a relationship with the other parent.

- Jealousy - Wants to be the favorite parent.
- Revenge - Using the child to get back at the other parent.
- Insecurity - Afraid to be without the child.

Sharing your feelings with your child during the divorce and/or separation is highly recommended, but you should limit it to those other than financial concerns and emotional feelings towards the other parent.

Separated parents can not live as cheaply together as apart, so it is inevitable that you and your child will be financially affected by the new conditions. As a parent it is your job, especially through this experience, to provide security and stability for your child, so the consistent mentioning of financial troubles will greatly lessen that sense of security and stability. Your goal should be to protect your child from as many worries as possible, especially those that are financial related. Friends, relatives, and/or support groups are the best outlet for discussing any financial problems you may have.

Strategies and Tactics to Ease the Financial Burden of Your Child:

- Have someone to talk to about emotional and financial burdens. Have these discussions in a place away from your child.

- When assigning new responsibilities to your child, make sure your child is mature enough for the task and the new responsibility does not carry a financial burden.

- Discuss or negotiate the financial situation with the other parent when your child is not present.

- Never blame the other parent for the financial problems in front of your child. This will place your child in a vulnerable, no-win position.

During the separation period, that time prior to the divorce, there are several do’s and dont’s that are highly recommended by most divorce lawyers. Of course each case is unique, but in most situations you are better safe than sorry.

First. Make sure all joint bank and credit card accounts have been closed or frozen. This will prevent you or your spouse from dissipating marital assets. The court does not look fondly upon this action, and will certainly penalize the spouse that does so.

Second. Try to secure your own means of financial support. If you need to rely on friends or family until the divorce is final then do so.

Third. Do not date or live with your boy or girlfriend. This could easily hurt your case, especially if your are involved in a custody battle or are being accused of adultery or abandonment.

Fourth. If you have hired a divorce lawyer, make sure you tell him or her everything. Leaving things out, will ultimately end up being a surprise in court which your lawyer will not be prepared for.

Comparing your child to the other parent in a negative way is the quickest and easiest way to do the most emotional harm to your child. Let’s analyze the situation. You are no longer going to living with and/or be married to the other parent, therefore your child perceives the obvious, you do not love the other parent anymore or at least there is something certainly wrong with the relationship. You proceed to compare your child to the other parent in a negative way, which causes your child to come to the conclusion that you do not love him or her anymore for the same reasons you do not love the other parent. The negative comparisons are, distancing you from your child, putting your child in another no-win situation, and diminishing his or her self-esteem.

Positive statements and comparisons can make all the difference in the world for your child. If you and or the other parent agree to promote each other in a kind manner, the benefits for your child will be insurmountable and you can be assured you are doing a great justice for your child during this difficult time.