The First Date After Your Divorce
(Provided by Tomi Tuel, Author of 101 Things I Learned After My Divorce)

So here you go. You’ve just accepted your first date for coffee, and suddenly you are flooded with emotions. You’re already having second thoughts. You didn’t expect this. It will pass. It is just the first date jitters. Just remember it is only coffee!

You accepted the date because you wanted to convince yourself you are moving forward. A good date will prove that, but you’ve just convinced yourself you are not even interested in this person, so now what? Do you keep the date or cancel it? You are afraid. You are afraid they may like you and worse yet, you may end up liking them. And before you know it, you have visualized yourself married again! Yikes! Who wouldn’t want to cancel the date, turn tail and run? But don’t sabotage it this way. Just keep repeating, “It’s only coffee. It’s only coffee!” The cool thing about coffee is that it is still morning by the time the date is over. You don’t have to contend with the awkward goodnight kiss.

Okay, so now, you’ve done the coffee date, and it’s time to advance to the first dinner date. Don’t panic. Repeat after me, “It’s only dinner. It’s only dinner.” But, let’s be honest. The real reason we are nervous and scared is we fear we will be seduced.

I surveyed 100 people who had either been divorced or who had been in long term relationships that ended and asked them several questions about “re-entry” dating. One question I asked was, “When going on a date, which is a bigger concern to you: Will there be sexual playtime? Or, what will I wear? 23% wondered more about sexual playtime and 77% wondered more about what to wear. The fact that it was top of mind for almost 25% of the people surveyed indicates that when we are on a date, one of us is most likely thinking about being seduced.

In your mind you’ve already played out the entire date. Right or wrong, it ends with your first naked encounter since your marriage. You’ve never had a one night stand before and certainly that’s all this would be, but that goes against your morals, or does it? It used to anyway, but things are different for you now. You are not easy, you are not cheap, you are not needy. You are independent, you are 30/40 something, and you are horny. So you decide to go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. You’re an adult after all. It is this dilemma that psyches us out the most when it comes to the first date.

The bigger question is: Is tonight the night? By not setting any boundaries for yourself you give up your control. If you chose to go with the flow, that’s okay, but if you truly want to eliminate those jitters, visualize the end of the date and what you want, or don’t want to happen. And whether the date ends at the doorstep or the bedroom should be of your choosing.

Information provided by:
Tomi Tuel, Author of 101 Things I Learned After My Divorce